After any kind of major event, any kind of stress or worry in your life you turn to family and friends for support and love, even just simple distractions from it all.
Sometimes though when everyone is getting on with life and don’t ask how you are or you know are having their own worries you feel awkward approaching them. How do you start a conversation when you just want to say HELP ME please!
You find it hard approaching people as you don’t want to be seen moaning, being ungrateful and often you don’t want to talk just someone to understand so that kind of makes the conversation bit harder!
So when those you want support off or just some attention to make you remember you’re you and it’s not going to last forever but they ignore you well you end up isolated.
People avoid those after a death for many reasons: they don’t know what to say, they worry about upsetting you or simply they don’t care.
I’m beginning to see though that often we have a hard life, not really but we feel we do, and last thing we want is someone else’s misery piled on. Someone else’s hard time to shadow our own and make us feel bad for feeling rubbish about stuff. Instead we avoid them not wanting to know to protect ourselves. What about them though? ever thought how they may feel?
The whole concept of not wanting to upset the person? How could you upset them more than they are? You avoiding me because you’re pregnant in some ways is good it stops me having to deal with that and once you have your baby it will grow and won’t upset me as much so yes stay away by all means. But don’t think you’re doing it for my benefit. I remind you how fragile your babies life is, I remind you babies DO die and many die before birth, I remind you that although you are a matter of weeks away from birth your baby too could still die. You can’t possible remind me I lost my baby you can’t possibly remind me you didn’t lose your baby by speaking to me. I already know I already remember and think of it day in day out every minute of every day.
I wake up thinking about it and I go to sleep holding back the tears as I look at Elva’s gorgeous picture on my wall wishing she were here to snuggle.
Telling me after weeks of silence you’re thinking of me is no good either. I don’t want thoughts, I don’t want silent sympathy I don’t want to know you’re heart is breaking or you’re crying a river for me. I needed you when you weren’t there, I needed to know you were there and you weren’t. You didn’t support my decisions and you didn’t think of me.
Then you have the one’s who are there but then stop after a week or two. Usually once the funeral is out the way. Never to speak to you again. It’s nice you were there, it’s nice you cared enough to recognise I needed you but I will always need support I will always grieve and I will always cry and need a shoulder. You should know this.
Don’t get me wrong I don’t expect everyone to be asking me how I am all the time. I don’t expect every person I know to suddenly be my best mate and I don’t expect those who are there regularly to be calling every day. My issue is the excuses. Excuses don’t wash, I see right through them and I’m not the same person I have less patience.
I’ve never been described as subtle but the new me makes the old me look subtle trust me don’t test me on this one or you will see the proof for yourself.
Silence of a stillbirth wasn’t deafening for me. My second child was born alive but silent and my first barely cried. I’m used to not hearing that the screaming in my head filled that gap. But the silence of loneliness, the silence of being the one to avoid that is truly deafening.