Elva

To My Darling Elva,

When I look at your picture I wonder who you are. I wonder who you would have become and who you would have met.

I’m the one who knew you the best yet I don’t know you at all.

I know you liked my voice the most based on your brothers this mean you will have been a mummy’s girl but you loved your daddy’s voice too. You enjoyed Leif’s elbow digging into your space. The thing I know is you would have wrapped every one of us round your tiny pudgy fingers and we wouldn’t have minded.

I know you liked when I ate meaning you’d have been a foodie.

You were the most active in the afternoon and at night meaning like Daddy you would have been a little grumpy in the mornings and probably kept us up half the night. Oh how we wish you were.

The things I don’t know are the things that made you different to your brothers. Would you have liked your hair long like Jem. Would you have enjoyed craft and wanted to sew with me. Would you have asked to do my hair, make up and nails then asked me to do them back to you.

Would you have loved dresses and pink, or jeans and green.

All the quirks you may have had, the birthmarks, the scars that tell a tale. I’ll never know.

I don’t have stories about you to tell others because no one wants to know about a baby that never lived. For me you lived from the second you were there and you have a whole life lived albeit short.

The future I don’t have with you hurts. Your Daddy won’t get to walk you up the aisle instead he carried you. I won’t be able to hold your hand as you have you’re own children. Maybe you would have done none of those things but I’ll never know.

You will never know the happiness and joy and fun that your brothers have every day. The noise level would have rose but oh how happy we would have been for that to happen. Instead I don’t hear the noise because there’s always one sweet little voice missing.

So you see I know nothing about you not really. I know you are beautiful, I know you are pretty, I know you are cute and I know I love you and you love me but I know nothing else.

You never saw with your eyes the wonder life can bring. You never saw me the person who carried you, sang to you, talked to you and waited for you. You may never see me or know who I am but maybe wherever you are you do know. Maybe you knew me before I knew you.

Every child is different which is a reminder I’ll know have any inkling what it’s like to be your mummy not really not fully.

You’re so so missed daily. I cry for you daily, I scream for you every minute, I ache for you every second. Who knew pain until they had to give up a tiny beauty with no choice.

Elva my love I will never forget you I always love you and that will never fade.

One day we will meet and we can start over then I may finally get to know you.

 

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