Surreal

When you’re pregnant it’s hard to imagine this little baby here with you. Logically you know you’re having a baby and a baby will arrive but when it happens you’re still in awe that tiny human was in your belly.

Except not every pregnancy ends up how you think. You are pregnant and you are expecting a baby but I have great issue with the phrase I’m having a baby in (insert month) because you simply don’t know this. You expect a baby to come but you aren’t guaranteed a baby.

After a stillbirth that weird sensation of  that’s my bump is intensified. Because there’s no baby at home it’s difficult to remember what happened. Of course you know and remember but it’s very easy to forget no baby is due any more, you’re due date now is void and you have no womb dweller. The lack of movement doesn’t help you remember at all it’s very odd.

I remember still almost not believing no baby would arrive in December because she’d been and gone already. Even months down the line you suddenly stop and go .. I had a baby, I WAS pregnant, she was in there, it happened.

The early days you almost want to have an excuse ready as to why you’re miserable, like you need to justify yourself. Then you remember my child died and you know you don’t need to explain because those words they hit you in you’re chest hard and you realise you can’t fully believe this really happen and therefore you can’t tell the world.

It’s very hard to get your head round that the natural order of life wasn’t followed. You go through anger, denial and disbelief so many times all in one day, all in one moment it’s hard to keep up.

You’re baby almost becomes another picture on the wall. A picture that saddens you and almost feels like a stranger looking back. Yet you know they’re not and they will forever be the person closest to you their whole life.

It’s so surreal it’s hard to explain. It truly is incomprehensible.

tracy

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