This year is very different to how I imagined it would be going.

I can’t stop thinking of the what ifs. I can’t breath for all the memories I created before Elva even came, all the plans I had thought of all the ideas. All gone.

It’s impossible to control these thoughts all the what would we be doing now thoughts, what milestones would she be hitting.

If she had come when we thought she might be smiling by now. It breaks my heart to never see my baby smile never know what would have tickled her who she would have smiled for. What would she look like a bit fatter with her cheeks scrunched up and her mouth turned upwards. I will never know and that hurts deeply.

Getting on with family life is easier and easier physically but emotionally it’s getting harder. I imagine how I should be pushing her along the road in her pram, the people who would say aww shes beautiful. The people who knew we were expecting and would be eager to see her. The laughter and love that would have increased with this extra person in the house.

I feel I’m muddling along waiting for something amazing to happen something that will make sense of all this make it a little easier. But I know that won’t ever happen.

People say about time: give it time, you’re only young you’ve your whole life ahead. This doesn’t comfort me or excite me. It’s longer without one of my children, longer till I can be with her. But then when I do go to be with her I leave my boys behind. Either way I am without one child.

It’s a huge burden to bear, it’s a huge undertaking and something no one can judge you for. No suggestion helps except keep busy. My whole life now is about keeping busy. Making each day go faster and faster. Soon the weeks pass they turn to month and one day years and decades will have past and I’ll have made it through a little longer.

Some days I don’t feel I can carry on without her. I NEED her here, I NEED those memories and plans back. I have to find a way to get this sorted.But I can’t it just can’t be. The time to prevent this has gone and I can’t redo it and learn from my mistakes.



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