Acceptance

How do I accept Elva’s death?

How do I accept my guilt and turn it around?

How do I forgive myself for all the things I wish I had done?

How do I stop wanting to blame her for leaving me?

How do I stop wondering every second what it would like with her here?

What do I do to get to the point where I say my daughter died, its not ok but I accept this happened and allow my grief to move on a step.

I often think Elva is angry at me. I wonder if she blames me for not helping her. I thought I was doing things in her interest but I question myself. Was it really for the best for her benefit or was it for myself.

I feel I was looking too far ahead instead of the here and now. Instead of concentrating on what was happening then I was concentrating on making the end goal successful. What’s the point planning a birth and trying to ensure that happens if I’m not concentrating on the health of the baby I’m to birth.

I partly blame my care but I mostly blame myself. I don’t feel I can lay blame on one person not even myself. But the level of guilt hasn’t changed from day one. I still blame myself to the same degree as I did 4 months ago when it happened. Only difference I’ve accepted now that I had no harmful intention I was doing it out of love for her making her entrance safe and happy and easy for me so I could care for ALL my children plus myself.

Now I couldn’t care less how she was born as long as it was alive. But that time has past. I can’t wish to go back and do it again. I can’t wish to undo or redo anything because it would be pointless.

It doesn’t stop me having regret. Regret eats away at you, regret makes you act guilty. I don’t want to live with regret. I want to live with the confidence that I made the decision I made that were right for the time they were made and were right considering the information I had. I replay my decisions over in my head and sometimes I know I failed other times I know I had a good heart and of course if we thought this was even a risk we would have done things so so differently regardless of our wishes.

In the early days I thought my goal was to have another baby almost right all the wrongs. Give another child life that Elva was denied. Stick 2 fingers up at mother nature and say see you didn’t succeed having one less child in the world because here’s another you didn’t take. But that feels too much like replacement which I never want for Elva. I realise it’s not fair on Elva or another baby to use them to finish what I started.

Someone told me that some babies come into this world and leave almost as suddenly for a reason. This I agree with I also agreed with them that we don’t always know the reason. But they went on to say that sometimes the reason isn’t a big reason it can be a small reason like bringing a family closer or making us appreciate happiness more. I feel a fire in me I never felt before but I also experience the failure just as hard. However I appreciate each day is a new day a new opportunity and as long as I keep the promise to change and I keep working on my goal then its a good thing and it will occur.

I never considered myself unappreciative of my kids but there’s always room for more appreciation, more gratitude and more love. For me that has occurred. We try have more fun, we try stress about the small things less. We are thankful for the small things and let the bigger things take their course.

Of course we still get angry, annoyed and overwhelmed. Of course we still feel huge sense of failure and self pity, BUT we’re working on it with a fire we never had before. We want Elva to be proud. I want something positive to come from this I need something positive to come from this. When I see Elva again I want her to say wow Mummy I’m so lucky to have you.

I need to work on my anger. It is not Elva’s fault she left. She had no choice. She’s a baby, she’s human and as humans we can’t control our destiny or health at the best of times. It was a bit of me, a bit of her and a bit of Daddy that made her who she was. Made her situation the way it was and none of us had the control we wanted over this. I need to stop blaming myself for this I need to accept I can’t change it and if  she had survived I wouldn’t have felt guilty for any of my choices so why feel guilty now? We assumed she’d survive that’s why the decisions that were made were made at that time.

I need to accept I did finish what I started it just happened faster and differently. Life isn’t set in stone. It changes. Today I could be destined to die tomorrow in the morning that destiny could have vanished. I need to accept that another pregnancy would not be a completion of her pregnancy.

I didn’t fail. I succeeded in growing a perfectly 100% healthy baby. After 2 pregnancies and one loss I succeeded in making a girl something you do start to wonder about. I succeeded in producing a breath taking beautiful child who looked just like her brothers. I succeeding in creating a child who was so so loved and never once resented or disliked. We as a family have succeeded by staying together supporting one another and continuing to work through this.

4 months since Elva was born. 4 months and 3 days since she died and left this world. For 4 months and 3 days we have succeeded in saying her name daily, we have kept her memory alive, we have built positive things out of her death and we have succeeding in surviving and being ok. Just ok but better than not ok.

I accept she died. I accept I’m not to blame, I accept my guilt is self protection and has no hold over me. I accept I need to move on and live my life but never forget.

Acceptance isn’t about forgetting, It isn’t about saying its ok it good this happening. Its about saying it happened, I can’t undo it but I must move forward somehow.

tracy

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