Little Pea

So recently I got a tattoo in memory of Elva. I was told they’re addictive you will want more. I said no I wouldn’t.

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Well I lied I want another one. I’ve decided to one day get little stars to represent all my kids including my miscarriage baby (little pea), Elva and I hope a rainbow baby. Talking to Jem about this he asks who little pea is so I explain.

But explaining miscarriage to a 7 year old isn’t easy. He saw Elva on a scan picture from 4 weeks he saw Leif from 9 weeks. He saw Elva with his own eyes but how do you explain a miscarriage that you started to lose before you got a positive pregnancy test how do you explain the only evidence is a positive blood test at the hospital after they confirmed there was nothing in there.

How do you explain you’ve no pictures, you have no baby that you saw and you know even less about that baby than Elva. I explained I got pregnant but bled and then there was no baby any more but he still was not understanding.

He asked why we never told him… he was 3 at the time. It wasn’t something we felt he needed to know at the time.

I feel sad he’s entered this world without wanting to but also it’s taught him a lesson. Babies die and if it helps him prevent his own baby loss in his adulthood it was worth me experiencing this pain for them.

tracy

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