5 months

It is almost 5 months since Elva arrived in the world, still.

Grief changes over that length of time. I feel more able to face the day. I can talk about things now without crying but also its getting harder.

As the months tick past it’s getting closer & closer to Elva’s first birthday. That’s kinda scary! She should only be 2 months old it should be 10 months away! Instead its only 7 months till she turns one. Except she won’t be here to celebrate.

As more time ticks by and the people who forgot I existed now its too late. Too much time has past. I felt guilty for not approaching certain people, talking about certain things but I’ve left that guilt now.

Why should I feel guilty for not asking about your baby and your birth when you didn’t think to ask me about mine? Why should I talk about your pregnancy and your baby when you know full well I struggle with that?

Why can’t you understand that yes I’m jealous who wouldn’t be in my situation but the reason I can’t do those things the reason I feel guilty daily for having to avoid people and block people I don’t even know on Facebook is because it hurts. It remind me what I should be doing. It reminds me I never saw my daughter with chubby healthy cheeks, I never got to snuggle her and feel her warmth. I never got to see windy smile or hold her hand and feel her clench back.

Instead I sit in a quiet house of a night usually getting a full night sleep. So no part of me doesn’t care your tired, sore but wouldn’t give it up for the world because neither would I. But I didn’t give it up it was taken and I had done nothing wrong.

You are not me even if you have walked a similar path you are not me. You’ve not got my exact life, my exact history nor my exact future. You can sympathise, empathise and tell me you understand, but I will not be judged or expecting to do things I’m unable to do. You didn’t do the same things as me nor face the things I do at this stage in your journey but I have to.

My life is about self preservation so I can be there for my family. They are the most important now no one else.

I’m bored of being asked if I’m better now. I always reply yes thank you. But inside I scream no because firstly I will never be ‘better’ partly because I was never ill or in a state to get better from. Also because there is no getting ‘better’ from any death at any stage in life. If you loved that person you will grieve for them for the rest of their life.

So no I’m not better. It’s still a struggle to go out and not feel down and beaten at some point in the day. It’s not easy staying home safe from the world and it’s triggers. It’s not easy moving forward wondering if you would have done this or that if she had been here. I was told once when you are feeling hurtful or angry ask yourself would you do that if your baby was here to which I reply I wouldn’t feel this way if she was so no in short I wouldn’t be doing any of this if she was here. I wouldn’t even know half the people I do that includes non baby loss people too.

To think of the sheer amount of things I now know, the sheer amount of things others now know. The amount of people and the amount of support shown to me all because of Elva. How different things would have been. Instead of being interested to see my posts people would be thinking another thousand baby pictures and probably not be as interested. Is that because despite it being tragic and a taboo we are drawn to that kind of tragedy?

In many ways that’s good. With the help of others who probably hadn’t thought to before Elva’s death provided the hospital with blankets and clothes for other angels. The hospital will now receive more through others kindness at being sad for Elva’s passing.

I have noticed a change in myself. I am less willing to indulge in idle chit chat I will do it but I get bored and move on. I think more speak less. I will happily use Elva’s death to tell someone to man up a bit, live stop dwelling and questioning life just have fun and make the most of it.

I have learnt I have the ability to reduced people to tears. Something I never aspired to do or even tried to do but yet I managed it. I sometimes feel Elva’s death was a good thing. I now appreciate life a lot more, I appreciate my boys more and I no longer have people who don’t care in my life. I’m told she’s in a better place not for us but for herself. Despite seeing positives in her death I will never agree that her being without us is the best place for her. No child is better off without their families love and happiness and despite the few positives I will never believe she’s best off being dead than alive.

There is always a hole in my heart it is forever broken and our house will forever be just too quiet.

I love you Elva more than anyone could ever begin to fathom x

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