Insecurity

Aside from the obvious side of stillbirth and the obvious changes I’ve been left like a shell of me.

I am insecure. I no longer believe good things can happen for me. I’m not too fussed over plans because often they never go well to plan. My belief in life has been shaken and I’m unsure how to claim any kind of peace back.

I no longer fear my own death  but I’m more scared of others. My death will bring my reunion with Elva no one can take her away from me the next time we meet. But after someone I never expected to die doing just that I worry endlessly I will receive more bad news any second. I clock watch a lot and worry constantly.

I’m trying to learn how to live my life normally again. I feel as a family we always should be together as much as possible but that’s not healthy and we need to live a life too or we would regret it. That is really hard to do when ultimately family is all that really matters.

Life got so much simple but so much harder and more complicated all in one fell swoop

tracy

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