How it is

As it approaches to being nearly 6 months since Elva passed I take note of how things have changed from before and since.

Before life seemed somehow easier, less pressured, always time to do stuff later or tomorrow. Now I feel like I’m running out of time. I feel the need to get on with things. If I want to do something then I should put wheels into motion now not later. There may never be a later and if I want to do it then I should.

Everything I do, every enjoyment or smile I wonder what Elva would be doing. How she would enjoy what were doing, how she would react. How old she would be, whether I’d even be where I am that day if she were here. What milestones would she hitting. What things would we enjoy doing with her. We will never know.

Lately I find myself drawn into conversations with people who understand kind of, in a way but actually really don’t. Nearly losing your baby, having a scare or some sort, having a heavy period with no positive pregnancy test is NOT the same as losing a child in pregnancy. Even a miscarriage isn’t the same so why on earth would your child surviving be the same? I have a child who was lucky to be here too but that scare followed by the joy is nothing like the deep despair and darkness of stillbirth.

I find it rude when people suggest they kind of know. They aren’t to know and that’s a good thing but why compare? why think you know when you don’t? It makes the one who lost a child sad, maybe angry and makes them feel defeated with life because their baby didn’t get the chance yours did.

Another thing that become apparent even from day one but it also continues is associations.

Not with objects or smells but days, numbers, months.

Here are mine:

March : my last LMP. You are asked this over and over and over during pregnancy. Its etched into your brain the whole time. The first day of your last period.

April: when I found out I was pregnant

May: When we had a scan for the first time

August: when we found out Elva was a girl. Our first!

October: when she was born too soon.

December: her original due date. Maybe her first Christmas

January: her amended due date.

6: her due date

10: the day we found out her heart had stopped

13: the day she was born

15: the day I left her behind in the hospital

27: her first due date

Monday: the day she was born

Tuesday: our only 24 hours together

Wednesday: the day I left her behind

Thursday: the day I felt her last, the day she likely died

Friday: the day we found out

Sunday: the day I made her dress. The day I packed my labour bag, The day I was on my own with my youngest all day not knowing what the next day would bring.

9am: when I went back to the hospital to be induced

10am: the time I realised she hadn’t moved

1pm: when I rang my midwife

2pm: the time I walked away fighting myself silently not wanting to ever leave.

5pm: when the midwife came and couldn’t find her heartbeat

6.30pm: when I was told they were sorry after we all saw a still heart on the scan

8pm: when I arrived home to face my boys knowing I couldn’t give them what we promised

930pm: Elva Isobel entered this world having already left it. 1lb 5oz all 14 inches of her.

1130pm: the last time I felt my gorgeous baby move

This has been a hard blog to write. The memories can be happy like meeting her, finally seeing that face. Seeing those feet that had been kicking and prodding me. Holding her, feeling her. Dressing her.

But also the memories of when she was alive thinking if only I knew what I know now. If only.

Soon Elva will have been gone longer than she was with us. A whole year nearly since she wasn’t even a thought or a hope and she’s already gone.

When 2014 started I never expected to be moving house but it was something we thought might happen and it did. We never expected to get pregnant it wasn’t even a want of ours at that time but it happened. When it did I couldn’t imagine having another baby in the house it seemed so surreal and like a dream. Not once did I imagine she wouldn’t be here though. I didn’t ever think I would bury a child but I never even thought of the impact of no baby plans, to conceiving to burying her all in the space of 7 months. Even now it feels just too big.

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