Robbed

I feel so robbed. I feel like I was only playing at being pregnant like playing a role for a show.

I never got the huge bump I wanted that would signal healthy growth

I never got the fun guessing of when baby would come, what weight, what time.

I never got the fun of announcing baby to the world with a cute picture and birth details. I simply got to write: she’s here. I was in shock I wasn’t sure what to do.

I never got the twinges of ooh is this it for weeks on end.

I never got the OMG my waters have broke.

I never got the speculating over if I was pushing yet or not.

With Leif I told only a few I was in labour. My facebook updated that day with 37 weeks pregnant today. Someone commented saying ooh not long now not realised I was contracting. It was so fun to post the next day and say surprise he’s here! Everyone was in shock as I wasn’t quite due. I never got that.

I’ll never get the milestones. I’ll never get to take her to school, buy her first shoes, plait her hair.

I’ll never see her fall in love. I’ll never see happy. I’ll never see her again in this life.

I feel so robbed of an experience, of a lifetime, of love.

Tonight it hurts a lot.

tracy

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Being a mum before a loss

Many are under impression it is easier to be guided through a loss when you already have children. When you angel baby wasn’t your first.

You have a reason to live. A reason to get up daily. A reason to keep busy. If you never have more children you at least became a mum to a living child. ¬†You are a mum in the ‘normal’ sense so many aren’t and never can be.

But what about the parts you don’t think about. The very very hard parts the parts where you consider just a moment you aren’t the lucky one here.

Have you ever had to tell your children something so devastating and watch their face crumble. Their whole world fall apart. Have you ever had to sit up all night in pain from a labour that doesn’t want to start, with your baby in your belly already an angel because your child is up all night howling in pain. Pain they don’t understand, pain they can’t explain and pain they can’t express. If you think yes trust me you haven’t not to this extent.

Have you ever done something and felt so so guilty about it? Yes if you’re a parent you probably have but I bet they forget about it quickly. I bet it didn’t really impact them as much as they’d have you believe and I bet it was for a good reason.

Now have you ever done something and felt guilty about it knowing you can’t make it better, knowing you can’t change it, knowing that you are the reason it happened and yet they don’t blame you. You don’t need forgiving and they don’t even consider it’s your fault. Have you ever had that guilt?

Have you ever felt so torn between 2 children you’re not sure what to do? Consider knowing to be with one child you can never be with the other and vice versa. Consider that you will never all be together because the day you leave the world to be with your angel you leave their siblings behind.

Have you ever packed away memories as your child watches. As your child asks why you’re doing that and what are you doing with it all.

Have you had your child ask you questions like: Does Elva eat? Does she grow? How big is Elva now? and have to answer in a way that reminds them she’s gone?

Think if the impact on their life. If I become pregnant in the future will they fear that baby will die too. Will they be scared but too worried to speak up for fear of upsetting us. Will they not worry and assume this baby will make it then something awful happen again. Think of their future knowing babies die in the womb. Worrying their children may pass in the womb. That neverending fear given to them at age 2 and 7. I can only hope they don’t forget but don’t let it affect them.

Don’t get me wrong there are good things about being a mum before a loss. You know you can have children. You know if you chose you have good chances of a successful pregnancy and birth. If you can’t you have had the joy of babies and children even if you weren’t ready to give that up yet at least it’s not something you missed out on. No story is easy in child loss this is just a part of mine.

tracy

 

The hour of your birth

As the hour of your birth approaches on your 6 month birthday I wonder so much about you.

What would you look like at 3 months old. Chubby or skinny. How much hair would you have? small amount like your brother did or lots because somehow girls hair seems to grow faster. Would you like your milk. Would you be trying to giggle at your brothers.

I can guarantee it would be neverending smiles and fun with you here but I’ll never see your eyes light up with joy and love. I’ll never hear any part of you.

I wonder how it got to this point and I often remind myself this is real this happened. I don’t spend my time looking at you or even remembering your face. I remember just you, your name the grief, the what ifs. I worry you think I’m forgetting you, I’m worried I’ll one day forget. I know I can’t but I still worry.

Your memory doll seems to have over-taken my memory and she looks like you more and more each day. I like to look at your picture and wonder who you are. I don’t get to see your face daily so I don’t truly know. I wonder what you think of me and our life. I wonder if you think I’m being a good mum or a bad one. I wonder if you think I love your doll more than you because she’s here and you’re not.

The truth is I think of you every second of every day. You are my first thought as I wake. My last thought as I drift off to sleep. Everything I do I do with you in mind. Everything I achieve I hope you’re proud of me and I do it in your name. Everything I do is your legacy.

Everything I do now is because of you. I wouldn’t be the me I am today if it weren’t for you. You have forever altered the course of my future and the day I forget about you about the pain the love is the day I stop being me.

I don’t want to forget the pain because to forget the pain is to forget my love for you.

Happy 6 Months Elva xxx

tracy

6 months

So 6 months has passed since 13th October 2014 when Elva entered this world at 9.30pm. It is a Monday as I marvel at how she’s been gone 6 months, half a year. She should be 3-4 months old not gone for 6. It was a Monday she came so the memory dates match to the days this time 6 months ago on a Monday I was in labour 3 months too soon.

From the start of my pregnancy I was technically pregnant for 6 months and 3 weeks due to her size I was only classed as 27+3 weeks. Which means she was in longer than she’s been out for now. I’m not sure how I feel about that date when she has been gone longer than we had her.

I ask myself daily why. Why couldn’t we watch her grow, why did she die, why us, why do they get their baby and we don’t. What did I do wrong, why did I deserve this. How can I fix this.

I can’t simply. I live with it.

tracy

 

After a loss with no rainbow

You have a sense of guilt after a loss for having children. You want a rainbow more than anything but then you ask yourself why?

I don’t have the reasoning I would have had more children anyway. I don’t have the reasoning I want children because I already have them.

I have a sense of guilt for enjoying my children also but then guilt for not enjoying them more.

You can’t win your own internal battle ever. Everything reminds you of what you don’t have whilst also reminding you of what you do have.

I ask myself why I want a rainbow baby and to be honest I don’t know. I recognise it wouldn’t be the answer anyway. It wouldn’t make things better somehow and it wouldn’t take away the pain. It would just distract me.

I asked myself why I should enjoy the children I have whilst one is so obviously missing. My answer to myself was her. Elva would not want me to make the boys childhood unhappy. She would meet me at those ‘pearly gates’ and say mummy I’m so angry at you for being so sad for so long and not making my brothers laugh more. So my vow is to make them happy so she is proud. So she can run alongside them in spirit enjoying the fun never to be seen.

It doesn’t make it easy far from it. Every bump and baby seem to come out the house just to pass you on purpose. Every bump and baby, every pregnancy announcement and scan picture is a stab to the heart. It cuts deeps into an unhealing wound. It dampens your day as you’re reminded life will never be the same.

Finding support in other rainbow less parents or even worse parents who have lost their rainbows too is key to surviving. Surrounding yourself with people who have children but chose to or can’t have more takes away that guilt. You can freely admit you feel down without someone chirping up at least you have your boys. You can freely admit your jealousy without being judged or hated for it.

Having children in baby loss can be lonely. You have a distraction, you have a reason to live and you have happiness but at the same time you have not enough to do, you desperately want to be left alone but equally not. Every happiness is tainted by a missing person, every event or activity is filled with what would she be doing now.

It is tiring being an angel mummy it is more so being a mummy and an angel mummy because you can never stop, never take a break and you can never give up. Ever. You have to be happier sooner for the sake of others who don’t understand and don’t want the grief.

tracy

The Path

Ever wondered what brought you to this point in life? I’ve often believed we have no set path and we can go off in any direction and change our outcome. Since Elva I’ve thought of this more and I’m beginning to wonder if feeling like we have choice is part of the path if we have different paths to follow that all end in the same place regardless and its the journey that we chose rather than the outcome.

I’ll explain…

2 years ago we wanted to move. We needed a gardened house but so our eldest could still attend his school. After an attempt to rent one place fell through we weren’t overly sure what to do. So the suggestion to move back closer to family was brought up. Now this has come up before and I’ll admit I always refused. Until now. It felt almost right.

So we took the plunge. Out of 2 houses we chose one (obviously) moved in. But that house turned out to be awful. Full of damp and mold that was blamed on us and because I complained they took the decision to sell but actually not sell and just re-rent. So legally we were kicked out.

We moved again and in the process I found out a little human blob was in my womb. Elva.

The new house is nicer. No damp no mold. Better garden, better layout and size. I felt somehow it worked out for the best and all was great. Not perfect but the kids were happy. Then she died.

Now we are 2 minutes from Elva. We can see the tree from our front windows that sits next to her forever bed.

What if we hadn’t moved? She would likely have been buried somewhere too far to go daily, maybe cremated which isn’t a bad choice but didn’t feel like our choice at the time. If we hadn’t known of a nice church to bury her in would we have chosen that route due to circumstance?

What if we had gone for the 2nd house when we did move? We would still be close but there would have been a lot more people watching our journey. See the car pull up with our little girl in her bed coming in for the night, seeing us leave the next day to not return with her.

At least here in this house the neighbours don’t come round for a cuppa, we’ve noone from school run who are immediately in our eye line when leave the door. No-one passes here either so we’re left alone and during this time that’s what we needed. No pressure

I feel somehow everything led up to a point so we would be here at this time, close to her. No matter where we go we know someone in the family will always be close to her she’ll never be alone and that comforts me. We will likely stay here for a long time to be with her. Where we were before we wouldn’t have. I can’t tell you what made us move back home but I’m glad we did.

Other things beside physical location occurred over the last few years. I got into sewing about 8 years ago and haven’t looked back since. As a crafter I’m always looking for new things to try and randomly last year I decided I had to learn to crochet. I wanted to learn to knit one day but never crochet. I didn’t even know what it was till I hit adulthood. I learnt last February. The following October I made Elva her forever dress and nappy. If I hadn’t she would have been buried in a sheet and grotty blanket. If I hadn’t another baby we know may have not had an outfit to wear either.

Somehow I was meant to learn so I was able to dress my daughter for the first and last time.

Even having my miscarriage somehow led me to this point. If I had never met the people I met I know my experience with Elva would have been very different. The people who helped me decide how my birth and after time should go. The ones who encourage me to use her blanket, make her clothes and have as much time with her as possible were craft friends and baby loss friends. They helped guide me and I’m forever grateful to them.

So you see no matter what I do likely my destination is already decided. I just have to decide how I pass the journey.

tracy