Ever wondered what brought you to this point in life? I’ve often believed we have no set path and we can go off in any direction and change our outcome. Since Elva I’ve thought of this more and I’m beginning to wonder if feeling like we have choice is part of the path if we have different paths to follow that all end in the same place regardless and its the journey that we chose rather than the outcome.
2 years ago we wanted to move. We needed a gardened house but so our eldest could still attend his school. After an attempt to rent one place fell through we weren’t overly sure what to do. So the suggestion to move back closer to family was brought up. Now this has come up before and I’ll admit I always refused. Until now. It felt almost right.
So we took the plunge. Out of 2 houses we chose one (obviously) moved in. But that house turned out to be awful. Full of damp and mold that was blamed on us and because I complained they took the decision to sell but actually not sell and just re-rent. So legally we were kicked out.
We moved again and in the process I found out a little human blob was in my womb. Elva.
The new house is nicer. No damp no mold. Better garden, better layout and size. I felt somehow it worked out for the best and all was great. Not perfect but the kids were happy. Then she died.
Now we are 2 minutes from Elva. We can see the tree from our front windows that sits next to her forever bed.
What if we hadn’t moved? She would likely have been buried somewhere too far to go daily, maybe cremated which isn’t a bad choice but didn’t feel like our choice at the time. If we hadn’t known of a nice church to bury her in would we have chosen that route due to circumstance?
What if we had gone for the 2nd house when we did move? We would still be close but there would have been a lot more people watching our journey. See the car pull up with our little girl in her bed coming in for the night, seeing us leave the next day to not return with her.
At least here in this house the neighbours don’t come round for a cuppa, we’ve noone from school run who are immediately in our eye line when leave the door. No-one passes here either so we’re left alone and during this time that’s what we needed. No pressure
I feel somehow everything led up to a point so we would be here at this time, close to her. No matter where we go we know someone in the family will always be close to her she’ll never be alone and that comforts me. We will likely stay here for a long time to be with her. Where we were before we wouldn’t have. I can’t tell you what made us move back home but I’m glad we did.
Other things beside physical location occurred over the last few years. I got into sewing about 8 years ago and haven’t looked back since. As a crafter I’m always looking for new things to try and randomly last year I decided I had to learn to crochet. I wanted to learn to knit one day but never crochet. I didn’t even know what it was till I hit adulthood. I learnt last February. The following October I made Elva her forever dress and nappy. If I hadn’t she would have been buried in a sheet and grotty blanket. If I hadn’t another baby we know may have not had an outfit to wear either.
Somehow I was meant to learn so I was able to dress my daughter for the first and last time.
Even having my miscarriage somehow led me to this point. If I had never met the people I met I know my experience with Elva would have been very different. The people who helped me decide how my birth and after time should go. The ones who encourage me to use her blanket, make her clothes and have as much time with her as possible were craft friends and baby loss friends. They helped guide me and I’m forever grateful to them.
So you see no matter what I do likely my destination is already decided. I just have to decide how I pass the journey.