After a loss with no rainbow

You have a sense of guilt after a loss for having children. You want a rainbow more than anything but then you ask yourself why?

I don’t have the reasoning I would have had more children anyway. I don’t have the reasoning I want children because I already have them.

I have a sense of guilt for enjoying my children also but then guilt for not enjoying them more.

You can’t win your own internal battle ever. Everything reminds you of what you don’t have whilst also reminding you of what you do have.

I ask myself why I want a rainbow baby and to be honest I don’t know. I recognise it wouldn’t be the answer anyway. It wouldn’t make things better somehow and it wouldn’t take away the pain. It would just distract me.

I asked myself why I should enjoy the children I have whilst one is so obviously missing. My answer to myself was her. Elva would not want me to make the boys childhood unhappy. She would meet me at those ‘pearly gates’ and say mummy I’m so angry at you for being so sad for so long and not making my brothers laugh more. So my vow is to make them happy so she is proud. So she can run alongside them in spirit enjoying the fun never to be seen.

It doesn’t make it easy far from it. Every bump and baby seem to come out the house just to pass you on purpose. Every bump and baby, every pregnancy announcement and scan picture is a stab to the heart. It cuts deeps into an unhealing wound. It dampens your day as you’re reminded life will never be the same.

Finding support in other rainbow less parents or even worse parents who have lost their rainbows too is key to surviving. Surrounding yourself with people who have children but chose to or can’t have more takes away that guilt. You can freely admit you feel down without someone chirping up at least you have your boys. You can freely admit your jealousy without being judged or hated for it.

Having children in baby loss can be lonely. You have a distraction, you have a reason to live and you have happiness but at the same time you have not enough to do, you desperately want to be left alone but equally not. Every happiness is tainted by a missing person, every event or activity is filled with what would she be doing now.

It is tiring being an angel mummy it is more so being a mummy and an angel mummy because you can never stop, never take a break and you can never give up. Ever. You have to be happier sooner for the sake of others who don’t understand and don’t want the grief.