The hour of your birth

As the hour of your birth approaches on your 6 month birthday I wonder so much about you.

What would you look like at 3 months old. Chubby or skinny. How much hair would you have? small amount like your brother did or lots because somehow girls hair seems to grow faster. Would you like your milk. Would you be trying to giggle at your brothers.

I can guarantee it would be neverending smiles and fun with you here but I’ll never see your eyes light up with joy and love. I’ll never hear any part of you.

I wonder how it got to this point and I often remind myself this is real this happened. I don’t spend my time looking at you or even remembering your face. I remember just you, your name the grief, the what ifs. I worry you think I’m forgetting you, I’m worried I’ll one day forget. I know I can’t but I still worry.

Your memory doll seems to have over-taken my memory and she looks like you more and more each day. I like to look at your picture and wonder who you are. I don’t get to see your face daily so I don’t truly know. I wonder what you think of me and our life. I wonder if you think I’m being a good mum or a bad one. I wonder if you think I love your doll more than you because she’s here and you’re not.

The truth is I think of you every second of every day. You are my first thought as I wake. My last thought as I drift off to sleep. Everything I do I do with you in mind. Everything I achieve I hope you’re proud of me and I do it in your name. Everything I do is your legacy.

Everything I do now is because of you. I wouldn’t be the me I am today if it weren’t for you. You have forever altered the course of my future and the day I forget about you about the pain the love is the day I stop being me.

I don’t want to forget the pain because to forget the pain is to forget my love for you.

Happy 6 Months Elva xxx

tracy

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