Changes

The early days are awful. I see influxes every few weeks in groups of new angel parents in those early days of despair.

It reminds me of my ear!y days and weeks. The suffocating misery where you feel constant sense of dread with no hope. The sense nothing will ever be OK and you’ve a horrible life ahead filled with deep sadness, tears and despair.

You get past a few weeks past the busy planning the funeral, headstone, having support couple of milestones then people leave you alone again. You’ve less to do. You’re not doing what you expected to be doing and its lonely.

I’d say it took a good 5 months before I believed things could improve and its only 7 months I finally feel that lack of hope lifting. Things will never be perfect there will always be sadness for us but there’s hope of a meaningful life before I join elva again. There’s hope of happiness and knowing my boys won’t always be reminded of the bad times.

There are still days I feel overwhelmed like I can’t live this life and grieve anymore for her but they pass and I keep going knowing I can’t change it and all of it will make sense one day to someone.

I don’t blog as much now as I feel better. I’m busy doing things to help me heal. I’m living life hoping there’s more steps to follow on this journey but steps forward never backwards

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I’m Busy

I started this blog with the aim to show life can improve after a loss or at least not leave you stuck in that early overwhelming breathtaking grief.

Initially it feels things will never change you will be sad all the time or feel guilty when feel happy. You quickly realise you will never escape this, it will never leave you and you can’t ever forget. It sends you into a mild panic.

You have good weeks and bad weeks. Sometimes the bad takes over more and again you lose hope of anything being vaguely OK again.

It changes it does. 6.5 months on I can say confidently it changes. Its improves you learn to move forward (not move on don’t confuse the two).

You have days that you consider a good day you laugh you cry you feel happy! You also have the bad days were you feel low, depressed and despair at this world and its actions. But you pick yourself up and carry on.

Everyday contains triggers literally. For me anything to do with pregnancy, blood that spots, dresses, pink, girls, princesses are just a few words that trigger me off. It can be a sentence how it’s said, a smell, a scene, a memory anything you can’t hide from them they will find you.

Some things I can’t tolerate on any days mostly jokes about death. Not funny never was never will be. Some things I struggle to talk about and think will always be hard like pregnancy, bringing up girls that sort of thing.

Many times you will consider what your baby would be doing if s/he was here. Elva would be approximately 4 months old now. I wonder what fun she’d be having. Laughing at her brothers, chewing her hand, maybe picking things up and gurgling lots. Would she sleep well, would she be chubby or skinny. I’ll never know.

I can talk about Elva and her pregnancy, my time with her and my time since her birth without always crying now. I can laugh and smile when I think of her.

Other things have changed permanently though. I’m the sad mother in the crowd. I’m the one who everyone fears. They fear me on a bad day they fear me on a good day. My daughter isn’t mentioned. No one has even asked her name what she looked like. You think I want to forget? You think I don’t want to tell the world of my Tiny beauty.

None of them know what I do daily. I blog, make memory babies and crochet for other angels. My life has changed and Elva created that change for others to be helped. How can no one want to know about this wonderful child? I’d want to know!

I’m the person that reminds the world babies die, children die we don’t all grow old. I’m the person who is expected to be forever sad forever upset by everything. I’m not I smile I’m still ungrateful at times, I’m still a moody cow I’m not sad and don’t think I have more to be down about in life.

I don’t think I’m the one to be felt sorry for all the time. I want normality but I want my baby to not be forgotten either.

You will lose people. You’ll lose !more that you gain ┬ábut life takes on whole new perspective. You are more grateful. The small stupid things you think sod it! The dishes need doing but then sun is out? Sod it I’m having fun whilst I’m alive! I’m not going to think fondly of my clean dishes when I’m dying!

You are more willing to lose people too. If you feel you’re having to work too hard at things, forgive too often and you’re hanging on because you think you should well you kind of just stop doing all that and move on.

I’m so much busier these days. Always distracted always busy always doing to reduce the thinking. I’m lonlier but almost happier being so these days.

I’m safe on my own, I’m safe in my home, I’m safe away from the world that is carrying on refusing to wait for me to catch up.

I no longer feel the deep despair I can reason with myself things will be OK. I can stop myself thinking ahead and live more for the immediate days and weeks. Makes things simpler somehow.

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