The Neverending Story

As we approach 8 months since Elvas birth I reflect on how much has changed but how little has also. The part about grief that people forget is that it’s neverending. It doesn’t disappear overnight and you can’t forget.

However a lot of things do change for one i feel less guilty if I don’t look at her picture. I feel less guilt over it being my fault.

I’m even facing many of my triggers and moving forward. Never moving on just forward till we’re together again.

Also a popular belief of you can’t heal or be happy without a rainbow baby (baby after loss) is false!! The situation doesn’t change just distracts you from it I think.

The thing is it doesn’t matter what you do or how you express it grief will always affect you and will always catch up.

For now we’re trying to enjoy summer. I’m secretly dreading October though and can’t wait till the next spring rolls around. Dark nights, dull days.

Baby loss awareness starts 10th October : day Elva died, it ends on 15th with a wave of light which involves lots of candle pictures and lots of tagged pictures to respond to on Facebook. The day I left my child behind. The day I was separated from my newborn for the first time in my life.

I refuse to be around during October and it’s looming.

My beautiful girl would now be 5 months old. Maybe wanting food, sitting up, giggling, playing. It hurts deeply not knowing what it’s like to have 3 children bounding round my house.

tracy

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