So its just past 8 months and I did mention the timing in the last blog but well here’s another.
On Friday I talked to someone and she asked how things were. I told her worse than they were as I’ve been left with severe anxiety and it’s making life difficult. She said have you tried counselling which I have then her great advice was don’t dwell look at the positives!
Grief isn’t dwelling as we know so it did annoy me. Then I got to thinking about the difference of death and how when someone has ‘lived’ they are somehow missed more. It’s acceptable to be sad on holidays, anniversaries or just have a bad day. But when they haven’t ‘lived’ you never really had anything to miss.
However Elva did live as did all those babies who were lost in pregnancy. People seem to think its like a miscarriage and you don’t miss them as not lost a child just a pregnancy, because as we all know miscarriage isn’t as bad or upsetting. Which leads me to getting annoyed that a miscarriage or early pregnancy loss is considered somehow less! We can all agree it’s different but the pain is no less and you still grieve and have a hard time accepting that loss.
I’ve lost a few people in my life including a pet and my grief for Elva doesn’t compare. It’s so much more painful, so much more debilitating but it is judged so much more. I’m left feeling guilt that I’m still sad, it’s assumed I don’t appreciate or love my boys the same as I should. It’s assumed I want another baby to replace Elva. Yet if I broke down about my grandad after so many years somehow that would be less judged and more accepted.
It saddens me that Elva will be eventually forgotten. Once me, her dad and her brothers are gone no one will remember her face, her name or her story. Thats ok it feels kind of special. To me she is beautiful, divine and the most precious thing to ever exist and I want the world to know her, remember her and love her like I do.
During this journey I’ve basically lost a lot of people. People who I consider family abandoned me rather than supported me. Friends I thought would be there for me understanding not of my grief but that I was grieving. People who I would consider might think about my feelings a little before they spoke but instead majority have chosen to ignore me, avoid me and pretend like I don’t exist.
Now I chose to stay alone, away from people I thought I knew. That way neither of us need to worry.
Some of you know I have dolls. One is memorial cloth doll I made the other 2 are reborns. I’ve always loved dolls from a young age and tried to get my boys into dolls to no success! At times I wonder how I was expecting a baby but ended up with 3 dolls instead. It saddens me at times. I feel like a freak even at times. The reason I have them is purely or the craft. Making girly things brightens me up, satisfies my need to dress my baby girl and snuggle her. It’s not unhealthy, I’m not convinced they are real and that’s why I’m sad they shouldn’t be here, she should.
On top of the grief I want to talk a little about the next step. I do want more children but for me that’s not an easy step to make. I don’t want to talk about why on a public blog but it came to me that others don’t consider the pain beyond the loss. You lose daily. Everyday that stretches out without your baby, without another baby. Trying to achieve something that isn’t occurring whilst everyone else does and complains about it.
Stillbirth goes beyond just losing the child and people forget that as much as life moves on you struggle to do so as nothing makes sense anymore.