My favourite what if


I saw this picture today and it sparked all the what ifs I have off.

what if: I had attended my 26 week scare scan. Would you be alive now? Would they scanned me and delivered you after a few weeks?

What if they had delivered you early? Would you have survived? Would you have died in an incubator? Would you be here now with us? Would you be ill from your prematurity?

what if they noticed from the start? Could they have prolonged the pregnancy enough to allow you to grow and survive? Would you still have died?

what if I went when I spotted? What if I went when you moved a bit less? Would they have delivered you then? Would I have met you alive? Would you still have died?

what if you had no problems? Would have been early like your brothers? Would you have been on time or late? Would I have got my VBAC?

what if you were here? You’d be 6 months old now. Weaning, holding things, sitting up, laughing, gurgling, making the world fall in love with you. Wrapping your daddy round your little finger with that sweet face

what if you had survived early you’d be 8 months old now doing even more maybe even crawling.

What if you never died? What would your favourite be? Would you turn in a dress and pink loving girl or a dinosaur loving Tom boy? Would you have let me dress you in girly clothes? Would you have let daddy style your hair?

what if this was all different? Who would meet and fall in love with? Would you have grown your hair? Would you lose your curls? Would you have sung? Or drawn? Or danced or all 3?

truth is you are everything we want you to be because you can’t be anything else.

In our dreams of you there is long flowing locks, twirly skirts, pretty eyes. You’d be boisterous but sweet and kind. You would enjoy singing and dancing and swirling. You’d be friendly and confident loving all who you met. You’d have increased the fun and laughter, the love and the smiles. You’d have given us hope that beauty exists. Because I’ll never know you are the perfect combination of us all. Our good parts are you, the cute unique things we possess are you. The unknowns are you.

Elva, you’ll always be our favourite what if xx






One thought on “My favourite what if

  1. Dani says:

    The “what ifs” are the hardest.
    I’ve done my fair share.
    But now I’m just trying to forgive…
    everyone and everything.

    Under the same sky,


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