Sensitivity

I’ve spoke of this before but after a loss for  many the natural progression is to have another baby. A rainbow baby: the beauty after the storm. But as we’ve also explored this doesn’t happen to everyone. Before you think here we go again today I want to talk about announcing this.

How do you tell the world you’re expecting again? Or maybe you’re expecting but never lost a baby and have friends that do. Well anyway you wish really but have you thought about how it affects others?

Facebook groups are rife with announcements. The title stillbirth/ baby loss seems to bypass them and they post up pregnancy tests, scan pictures and even live babies.

Friends announce on their facebook all happy which is fab but some rules to consider:

Timing

Will they want to know before everyone? or would they prefer to wait.

Maybe they don’t want to know as soon as you take that test especially if they just got their new cycle.  Don’t assume telling them early lessens the pain because sometimes it’s one less person to confide and find support in.

Of course many angel mums deal with the news a lot better. It gives them hope they may wish to hear of it from day one and receive updates but this still applies to them as they may get upset if you wait, if you tell them with everyone else. They may feel avoided, left out and like they’re are being treated as an outcast. They may wish to be there incase it goes wrong and they may wish to be there when it goes well.

Consider how early you tell them. Angel mums know more than anyway you could lose that pregnancy. It really messes with a persons head thinking you might lose your baby so consider telling them later on just before you announce but not as soon as you tested.

When and Where

Consider how you tell them.

One to one may be upsetting whether it’s face to face, over the phone in a text or other.  Maybe not face to face is better for some as they aren’t put on the spot. Made to feel they have to congratulate you when all they feel is numb or shock and extreme sadness. Words are easier to write than to speak whilst wanting to cry and scream.

Also though some may be offended you think a text is ok to tell them such big news they wish to hear your voice or see you when told so they can be there for you.

How

Consider your wording. We were told this week of a pregnancy and it was done so flippantly, so hurtfully I felt a little offended how they went about it ( this is not a friend so if you’re reading thinking was this me? It wasn’t). Don’t lie. If you are asked it’s important not to lie to save their feelings. If they’re asking they feel the need to know. Give them space if they need it though as sometimes suspecting news is easier than confirming that news. By lying you create mistrust and again lack of support for their situation.

You may be thinking I basically just can’t tell them. You can but also allow them the illusion no one else is getting pregnant a little longer. Are they struggling more at the moment. Are they trying for a baby and maybe due a period. Do they have a difficult appointment.

Also don’t chose a time they may be feeling happier. Feeling happier doesn’t mean they feel ok and doesn’t mean they feel positive. Chose a time they seem more positive as it will wash over them easier and they will be able to respond to you more honestly.

This may seem a little escapism but consider the pain. The pain of losing a baby, a child. Then imagine the pain of trying to conceive. Then imagine the pain of infertility. Roll that into one and your close to how it feels watching the world get pregnant whilst your not.

Don’t assume to know them just be sensitive please. If you can’t handle the way a friend deals with pregnancy news then maybe it’s time to goes your different ways as a friend should understand even if they don’t get it.

 

tracy

 

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