Quiet

Why are you so quiet?

Why do you not smile?

Why do you draw away and not take part?

Are you moody? Being rude?

Are you annoyed or not getting your own way?

Do you hate us? Are you jealous?

I am quiet because grief doesn’t stop. I am quiet because I am thinking, remembering.

I am not talking because when I open my mouth all that comes out is pain. My eyes fill and I become the mess on the outside that I feel inside.

 Where were you last year? What were you doing? Maybe similar to me. Pregnant,  happy, excited. Maybe you weren’t but has much changed since? A new baby for me I lost out.

For me last year holds memories I struggle to deal with daily. Memories I struggle to hide behind a grin & a laugh. As I stand in the school yard in the sunshine surrounded by happy people wondering why I always look so miserable. Turn your face south what can you see?

I’ll tell you. You will see a fence and beyond that fence you will see a church. A very pretty church full of nature and pretty grounds. Perfect for fairies and angels to play. My daughter lives there amongst the beauty amongst the fairies playing.

When I stood in that same place last year I never gave the church a second thought  as you probably don’t today. Now I feel hurt, guilt and the need to not stay longer than I need.

As I watch the families with babies, pretty girls in pretty dresses. As I watch her daddy try put a brave face on seeing him watch the girls too thinking the same as me. What would Elva be like. Fascinated by something we can’t have. I see the hurt in his eyes and he feels the hurt in my heart.

But you don’t. You see an unhappy face, a miserable frown, a defeated shell. You think to yourself wish she would smile, wish she would cheer up now.Why can’t she just fake a smile. enjoy what she has. Most the time I do but I’m only human and I crack. It is too hard some days to pretend I’m ok.

Next time you see me. Look deep and I guarantee you the spark is gone and my smile never quite reaches my eyes, my soul, my heart.

Do not judge what you don’t know.

tracy

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