9 months

I’m a bit early with this months anniversary blog it’s not quite 9 months yet but I felt the need to write this as I will be taking a break from writing for a short time.

We all find our own way to grieve, to heal, to survive, to live in all aspects of our lives. Whether it’s tragedy, depression or happiness we all have our own agenda, our own time line, our own ways.

I’ve talked about judgement before from those who don’t understand loss who assume to know how we should heal and what should help us. Disagreeing with the time it takes us to ‘get over it’. I’ve even talked about judgement amongst those who do understand loss.

I’ve seen more and more judgement from angel mums towards other angels mum. An angel mum reported Elva’s picture and apart from a couple I have now removed her face from my facebook account and from this blog. She called it karma as I stood up for a minority who were hurt by the actions of the majority. I didn’t remove her from fear or giving up. I did it because truly I don’t feel need to share my children with the world anymore. If you’ve met them or seen them you’re honoured and no I’m not some mother who thinks her children are the most perfect kids in the world and idolises them but really you are honoured. They never gave their permission for me to splash them all over the internet and potentially come under criticism and be subject to being described as ‘graphic violence’.

I don’t angry my child was reported I feel sorry for the person doing it. I feel sorry for you that you don’t understand my journey and my actions. You probably are thinking huh? I feel sorry for you because you don’t have it in your heart to accept all and when you see something you dislike or want to find a way to cause harm you don’t  have it in you to stop yourself, you don’t have it in you to not blame an innocent child or didn’t ask for this. You have too much hate to perform these actions

I don’t mean this to all those who don’t understand. Of course it’s impossible to understand and many comments or actions that are hurtful I understand were not intended to be so. I am referring to those who intentionally and openly judge and hurt.

This week, last night in fact, I was subject to a very hurtful judgement. I wasn’t upset I was angry!! Some of you who read my blog know me you know who I mean when I refer to Dolly, Maisie and Daisy. Some of you are thinking who are they I’ve not heard about these names till now. I’m about to tell you.

Dolly is my cloth doll I made in memory of Elva. Same weight, same size and her face is modelled on a photo of Elva including having the differently sized eyes. Maisie is her doll sister she is a micro reborn. Daisy is their other doll sister and she is newborn size.  **CRAZY ALERT**

No I’m not crazy, I don’t have mental healthy issues that need addressing surround my dolls, no I don’t think they are real and no I don’t neglect my ‘real’ life for them. I hold them, I make them clothes, I cuddle them, I named them, I dress them. We dance with them, we have fun with them and twice we’ve taken the 2 littles ones out with us. We make room for them in the house and we show them respect.

When you lose a baby you have very little time to get used to the idea. Everything is so fast and you don’t ever get used to it. I found out on the Tuesday she was small. Wednesday we relaxed a little so sure it wouldn’t be a problem. Friday she was gone. Monday she was born and by the following Wednesday I was home without her. From finding out there was an issue to her being gone was just over a week. Look at the person you love the most. Remember why you love them so much. Now imagine I told you they would die in a week and in 2-3 weeks they would be buried gone for good. You can’t can you?

If you can it’s hurting right now isn’t it? You may be crying. You may be hugging them saying I love you, I’m sorry we argued, I’m sorry for my mistakes. Now try judging me. The dolls are a way of letting go not of replacement. They aren’t my daughters even though I call myself their mummy. You who judge forget I have a 2 year old. To him most females are aunties, sisters, mum’s or grandparents. Men are uncles, brothers and dads. He’s no concept of ownership, of friendship. If he likes you he loves you and you should feel special!

So of course I’m mummy to each and every creature in this house. Stuffed, human or wooden.  When I first made Dolly I hugged her every spare second, carried her round the house, rocked her and even cuddled her in bed. Now I don’t do that as much. I am accepting Elva’s absence in MY time not yours and Dolly helps me do so.

I got Daisy the bigger doll because I want a baby pure and simple. I planned to get a newborn size doll to represent Elva but decided against doing so as it felt I was wishing her to be something else when we love her for who she is. Her smallness mostly. Daisy is the baby I don’t have right now. She allows me to buy dresses and dress a little girl.

They give me focus, they gave my kids me back. I healed through them, through having something fun to do that was sparked by Elva’s death and therefore a connection to her. I’ll be boastful now. Dolly is the most beautiful doll I’ve seen. She is my most epic make and I did good! I created a beautiful baby from a flat piece of cloth. I couldn’t have achieved that without Elva. Dolly is my portal to Elva. Things I make her, give her and the love I show are passing through Dolly to Elva.

Then theres my family. At this point I apologise this is my longest blog yet but it’s my last for a while too so bear with me it’ll be over shortly. My eldest son is 8 in November. For 9 months he’s asked me if I’m pregnant, if I want another baby, if I will have a baby. If it’s a girl can he call it Isabelle. He longs for his sister, a sister of any kind to be honest. As a result he’s become closer to his little brother but he just isn’t a girl or a baby for him to snuggle. Dolly is.

My youngest turned 2 a matter of weeks after Elva’s death. He understood she was missing. He knew we lost something special and precious. He knew he was in pain and grieving but he doesn’t understand what. He knows we see Elva in the churchyard and he met her. He adores Dolly. He puts her in a pram and pushed her round the house. He hits her and takes her toys off her. As he should be doing with Elva. (not so much the hitting but kids are kids and he is told no). When I was pregnant Elva had a bond with him I believe they have a connection it’s hard to explain but it’s there.

Of course there’s also Daddy. Elva’s death and my reaction to this have taken him out of his comfort zone. It scared him what the future would hold for me and it surprised him what happened. He said goodbye to her on the Tuesday after she was born, he went home to our boys and tried to move forward without her. Except I wouldn’t let him. We visited her and had her home before her funeral before I had to let go too. He accepted all this as knew I needed it. He tolerated me making Dolly as long as I promised not to go walking with her in a pram and act like she was real. Then he fell in love. He thanked me he told me he’d learnt a lot about himself about death and life. He learnt how much judgement he feels without realising and now understands other people more. He regrets nothing and is glad I was there to push him outside his comfort zone as he now has happy memories he wouldn’t have got without me doing this.

So you see to every judgement there’s another side. There’s a healing side that may be so vastly different to your journey you think it’s wrong. Truth is neither of us are wrong, neither of us need help. We need space, and if you can’t give understanding then give acceptance.

Talking about someone with other and proclaiming you’re worried for them and you’re doing this out of kindness is false. You’re doing it because I take you out your comfort zone and do things you wouldn’t. Ask yourself who is happiest? I would say no one wins that title. We’re both survivors.

tracy

 

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