Anger

Today I’m angry.

Elva was classed as 27+3 when born yet by my dates I was more 28+6 quite a difference really especially as she was the weight of a 24 week baby!

From the start I questioned this. I reasoned my boys were about a week behind dates. We weren’t heavy babies ourselves when born, Daddy is on the shorter side and I’m not a tall woman either. But consistently Elva was 2 week behind then 11 days but never caught up.

Endless appointments where I questioned her size, her gestation, her lack of movement, why was she always on her belly? I was treated like a paranoid mum, a finder of issues, maybe even stupid for not understanding.

I was told it’s normal some babies aren’t active, some lie this way or that, I must have ovulated later in cycle than I thought that’s why she was behind my dates.

I told each and everyone of them. MY babies are active on screen her gender shouldn’t matter. MY babies don’t lie still in one position every scan. MY babies hate scans and dopplers. They kick them, prod them try get rid of them. Elva didn’t not till 17 weeks.

I don’t know when I ovulated that cycle but I do know when I ‘did the deed’ and it wasn’t two weeks later. There’s no way she could have been 2 weeks behind. I know how babies are made and sorry to be crude but no sperm lasts 2 weeks in the body.

It was suggested I go with later due date as it gave me more time if I went over due. I wasn’t worried about going overdue I’ve never made 40 weeks in 2 other  pregnancies yet so why would I assume this would be the one I’d go so overdue I’d be thankful for the 2 extra weeks. I was worried about her being early and because of the dates I was worried she would be severely premature when in reality she wasn’t.

By the time she died she was 3 weeks by LMP (last menstrual cycle) and 2 weeks by taking a week off like her brothers. That is a lot of weeks to ignore, to pass off as ok, to act like the mother after 3 pregnancies didn’t know how all this worked.

If you’ve read most of my blog you’ll know that finally someone listened when I got to 26+6 (hospital dates) They queried my 2 due dates and the vastness between them. I explained I couldn’t have ovulated later as we weren’t trying for a baby we just you know just had fun and protected rest of month. I shouldn’t have even been fertile when we did but somehow she came from that but she certainly didn’t come from anything 2 weeks after that! She went into action, a scan was booked, I was finally being listened to excited to see her the following week.

We never made the scan and I kick myself daily for not speaking up more, bugging more, being more forceful and saying no this isn’t right I want to have more thorough scans and checks. But I wanted to trust in nature.

I’m angry at the hospital, at the people I saw, the condescending attitudes and the lack of trust in me her mother! Even first time mums know but are never believed. Well a 3rd time mum isn’t either. As time passes I also feel angry to my midwife a little bit. I feel there’s times she missed things, I feel she should have stated her opinion more or even just reasons why I should do things without opinion being added.

When my spotting started I feel she should have known I was scared out my wits and sent me for a scan to reassure me. I feel she should have known to do this because I’d never spotted before. I wish when she queried my dates at 17 weeks in terms of getting a home birth she had done it because it was odd. Maybe if things had been spotted by her 10 weeks earlier Elva would be here.

Despite my anger I don’t blame these people. I blame me more than anyone else and even I know it wasn’t my fault. I did what was expected of me. I kept quiet about worries, I trusted my caregivers and I monitored her kicks. They say they would have scanned me if i had gone in with my spotting but 4 weeks earlier I had been told she was fine and not that small. How was I to know that was wrong? How was I to know I should have gone.

It’s so important to know your own limits, your own body, your own health. Why did they think it appropriate to not tell me. A pregnancy goes in the mother records. Everything to do with Elva her birth her tests everything are under MY name. Even my live births are under MY files. So why did they feel the need to keep things from me and soothe me with false words.

I feel distrustful now. I’m scared of my own instincts. Leif fell over and the before Elva me would have been like he’s fine. we’ll keep him close and keep an eye on him. The after Elva me wanted to run to a&e with him scared something would happen and he’d die in the night.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way. I want to move on from this because I know I can’t change this os undo this. I can’t replay it in a future pregnancy and fix it that time. But just today I feel deep hurt and anger and the what ifs play loudly.

I know I said last post I was taking a break and likely I now will but writing is therapy and so my break was broken for one more post.

tracy

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