Grief

So lately I’ve been struggled a lot. I have the overwhelming need to see my daughter again, hold her and talk to her. I would even say I’m prepared to go through that pain again just to have her in my belly alive and meet her all over again.

When I think back to my pregnancy it seems so normal that it would be me over all the pregnant women I knew at the time it seems right it was only me who lost her baby. Who came home broken and empty handed.

I feel my whole life is a mix of disaster, nothing going right and anything happy marred with some issue. You could say that’s my view and I’ve a lot to feel lucky for. I’m not daft I know what I have and I know how lucky I am.

When I had my first child I wasn’t ready I felt low and scared. I felt I couldn’t love him. I felt I couldn’t meet everyone’s standards for how they wanted me to care for him. Conflicting standards. I felt unable for a long time to trust myself and tell everyone it was my journey not there’s. I regret not just saying that.

Next came my second child. He followed after a break up, long time trying, fertility tests and a miscarriage. I had a hard hard pregnancy filled with pain and worry that my midwife wouldn’t acknowledge and left me feeling paranoid and silly.

Then came Elva and finally I felt content I felt happy and like I could deal without anything to go wrong. But there were issues. From my past of not being strong enough to be heard and understood. From feeling like I was focussing on non existent problems I never fought for her. I never listened to my instinct and made people listen. I kept it bottled up because I was accused of dwelling and creating issues.

And not we’re here. It feels like the right ending. I could never imagine a daughter after 2 boys. I felt her gender defined her chances. They didn’t but somehow it became true.

At this point in my life I feel lonely. Her death in so many ways has ruined my life. I find it hard to switch off when listening to a beating heart I expect it to stop at any moment. I analyze natural rhythms wondering if its normal. If I was to ever have another child I’ll never be carefree and happy. I won’t be able to announce it, I won’t be able to enjoy it.

I look at my children daily and wonder if I’m the best person for them. Am I really qualified enough to keep them alive now.

I feel judged daily for everything I do even things unrelated to my loss. I don’t remember the last time I had a true compliment off someone I love something that made me feel super special. I’m made fun of in many ways by my own children and I shouldn’t be so sensitive but its warying accepting others for who they are and being watched and picked at for who I am.

Everything feels so much more difficult now but also so much more black and white. One thing I know I’m not cut out for this world and all the problems I think exist now always did. I’ve always felt lonely, an outcast. I’ve never been able to relax or being 100% happy in any environment. I’ll always be surrounded by more people who don’t understand than do.

It’s 10 months today she was last alive. Her last chance or maybe it wasn’t maybe she never stood a chance I accept that. I have to so the guilt doesn’t eat me alive. She would be 8 months old if she had come on time and not early. She would be eating no doubt, sitting up, holding things probably cramming all sorts into her mouth.

Grief doesn’t run out ever. There’s always a surprise waiting to hurtle you back to the past. The events you miss out on keep happening no matter how old you are and no matter how old they would have been. I feel some days this blog has run it’s course. That people think I’m over doing it now. Maybe I just like the attention, maybe she just can’t move on. It’s not that because I’ll never truly move on. Until the day I die I will always have missed out on many things we take for granted in our daily relationships. Things you wouldn’t even consider something you’d want to miss!

I hope one day sooner rather than later this blog changes course. Becomes about the next journey many take. I don’t want to alienate anyone by it changing but I feel the time has come that it needs to somehow.

I don’t know but I’ll keep posting till it does.

tracy