11 months

WOW 11 months has passed since Elva’s passing and birth. The changing weather is upsetting. It’s a reminder of my favourite time of year, Autumn but it’s also a reminder that it can no longer make me feel happy. Autumn is now the most heartbreaking time for me. I still love it but it’s forever tainted. At this point last year I was impatient for time to tick by.

We love halloween and we had a holiday booked. Then it was the boys birthdays and then it would be a matter of weeks waiting for our baby girl! Instead I remember wishing the time away anxious for it to hurry up. At this point we had slight concerns over her size and I was a matter of days away from first spotting.

The guilt I feel at not being able to repeat that time and redo it so differently doesn’t help my memories at all.

I still feel anger at the care we got, the inconsistent care and blatant stupidity we were subjected to. I still don’t blame them I blame myself more than anyone I should have known but its hurts all the same knowing it wasn’t only down to me.

As I see many many bumps and babies my heart aches. It kinda feels normal we should have no more kids but I know we have another child and I know I can’t know her and it cuts deep.

My head replays everything daily over and over and over. What I did what I didn’t do what I could have done what should have been done what she’d be doing now how old would she be what would she look like what would she be doing how would she sound what would she love.

Would she love food would she cry a lot or be a content baby would she sleep well would she be crawling by now at  8 months old or would she be late mover like her brothers.

Everything we do we can do because we have no baby. Bike rides (babies under 1 can’t go in bike seats), water slides with our boys, cheaper christmas than originally planned for this year, our youngest has full use of his room again and we’ve no babies toys tripping us up. How I long for a screaming baby in the middle of the night, tripping up over play mats and bouncy chairs. How I long to be losing weight pushing a pram instead of cycling for hours on end.

How I long to be scared of catching pregnant with a baby instead of scared I can never catch again. How I long to be free from grief.

Just under 6 weeks and Elva is 1. One years old 3 months too soon. She is 12 months older yet hasn’t grown. No first steps to share, no smiley pictures with her first cake. They say the first year is the hardest but I don’t see it getting any easier.  The memories are more vivid as time passes for me anywhere I go they replay.

I am considering slowing down. Not updating as much. I no longer see what my blog has to offer and grief is so repetitive all I can be telling you is I feel the same way in 5 years as I did from the start. I have no stories to share no future story to add to Elva’s. Nothing can change for her.

I had thought one day I could talk about a rainbow pregnancy but wasn’t sure if a loss blog was really the place to do this should I have a separate blog should I use this blog as the place to document the next step as it’s all connected. I still haven’t decided but it’s not something I need and that is part of the decision to stop also. I will update on her first anniversary then I don’t know.

Maybe I’ll be back at it with rainbow news guiding you through another new scary upsetting experience but at the moment it’s not a future plan.

tracy

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