Remembering

With the anniversary of Elva’s death approaching I’m reliving many memories from last year.

The dark winter nights that felt pretty empty and life sucking. Those are coming again and I’m dreading it. I’m dreading the cold, the dark the sign that the past year has passed me by in a blur of grief.

Christmas is coming and I’m organising but it makes me feel sick. The need to take part, look happy, have fun it’s heavy pressure I’m not ready for. I mean come on I need more than 12 months break to deal with it again.

In one month Baby loss week will start in the UK. People are joining events for it ready to light their candles on the 15th October for wave of light. This is another trigger for me and further stretches the gap I feel in my life. Baby loss week starts the 10th I found out that day Elva died she came half way through the week on the 13th and 15th 4 hours before wave of light I walked out that hospital and left my baby there to be transported to the morgue for the night.

Since my miscarriage I never enjoyed ( not that anyone does) the wave of light. I wanted to block it out and not be part of a world I felt I had no right to be part of as so many had suffered more. The first year I feel like I would be more remembered on that day was the day I never imagined I would do.

I hated those candle pictures even more than ever. I asked not to be tagged and many closer friends obliged and although did light for me didn’t mention me or Elva which I’m grateful but I was tagged in other pictures. This year I want same no tags, no extra reminders no attention. The guilt that eats me up daily is enhanced on that day. Not the day she died not the day I could have helped  but the day I walked away.

Even with the logic I have to she must be laid to rest she can’t come home tonight with me it felt unnatural I felt I was leaving her alone, I felt I was giving up and abandoning her against my will but also it was only me saying we must go. Very conflicting and very hurtful.

I can’t watch this show of support, I can’t see these candle pictures nor do my own I just haven’t got it in me to be able.

Another thing I find I fumble over is describing my children. In life Jem is my eldest and Leif is my youngest. In life Jem is my first Leif is my second and in terms of viability Elva is my 3rd.

Except Leif is my 3rd not my second, Elva is my 4th. Elva is my youngest not Leif. I get round it by calling Leif my second son and my youngest son. It divides things up without denying Elva but without explaining why I appear to only have 2 children when I talk like I’ve 3.

When I got pregnant 2015 was meant to be so different. I imagined 3 kids together and although that was scary it was happy too. Then she died and that chanced I saw loneliness and upset. Then We decided to try for a baby and I had hope that maybe 2015 could be turned around for us some happy new at the time there was even chance of a baby this year.

But now the year is nearly ending there’s no baby no hope of a baby and 2015 although wasn’t as desperately miserable as i expected we still have no baby and no hope.

tracy

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