Yesterday I went to church and I didn’t expect how hard that would be. I’m not religious and I don’t go to church very often. However I do tolerate services and don’t always disagree.

The vicar giving the service (well one of) asked the children what 4 questions are unanswerable. MY first thought was WHY. Not why anything just why. There are so many why’s that simply can’t be answered. Why do we suffer? why do we experience pain? why is there no natural order of life? why did my baby die? why!

His answer to this was faith. You need the faith to accept that you can’t know and you trust in God to know the answers, you trust in God to see you through. At this point I tried hard not to cry. Daddy suggested I pray (I don’t pray normally) maybe a miracle could happen for us. I told him I prayed for the first time in my life last October. I begged God every day to bring Elva back to me somehow.

At this point I would have said he doesn’t exist because Elva isn’t here. I never woke the next day to find it all a horrible nightmare it was a living one.

That week a ladybird appeared and they kept appearing. We took it as a sign from Elva that it was or her sending them to show us she was here. Maybe God provided that maybe he didn’t. Many mums don’t get a sign and we did within weeks of her death.

I struggled to trust that God knows best I struggle to accept that faith is it. The simple teachings are God loves us all. A hymn sung said he feels our pain but how can he feel my pain when it’s not physical, it can’t be located in one part of my body and it changes so often.

How can an all loving God cause this and not prevent these horrible things.

I know I don’t truly understand the faith I understand some have the faith and it’s not the faith I’m disagreeing with it’s the simplicity of the teachings. It’s not as simple as having faith and God knows best. It’s not as simple as praying and what you want to happen will.

When Elva first died I was told Elva can’t see me on Earth. God’s children can’t know pain or suffering so she can’t see me grieving. I knew she was wrong very very wrong and I knew Elva would be just as annoyed. I was told another time she was in the best place she could be, in the Buddhist pure lands. I know their understanding but I disagreed.

The world may be a hard place but you watch a child live besides the tantrums over tiredness, hunger and sheer stubbornness and you see beauty. You see awe, you see wonder. You see love and fun and excitement daily. You see determination and glee in every day. You feel their limp body relax as they snuggle in trusting and loving you with every fibre of their being. You see how the tiniest kiss and gentlest hug off Mummy or Daddy can raise a smile on the grumpiest and saddest of faces. Not you tell me my baby is better off without her family. Without the fun and love a family brings. You tell me how our lost life together is better for everyone.

I can’t do this and say yes she’s in a good place. Because although I know she is there is no better place than in my arms smiling and laughing with her brother.

Think of your week unless your life is truly terrible I bet you had more good things happen than not but often we can’t see this. We only see bad we see life as hard and the world as terrible. Deep down it’s not and it could be so much worse. I’ve begun to see the fun in life I’ve begun to feel a contentment (albeit slowly) in life through simply seeing it could be worse.

One day God will answer whoever he or she is. In whatever form I believe God to be Elva will return but I accept it won’t be how I desperately want it to be.

Faith is important at a time of death but it doesn’t always have to be the one you think it should. You don’t have to accept the answers. You can create your own faith and for me I just know she’s happy and watching me comforting me every step. That is my faith.



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