Indignity: A Story of Loss 2

After going through to see a doctor I was examined and asked how far along I was. I didn’t know I found out half an hour ago and at this point I was probably no longer pregnant anyway.

They felt my stomach which hurt a lot at both sides and in the centre where my womb was. They said they would get a cannula in and some fluids going then call ambulance to take me to EPU which was in a different hospital. Elva’s hospital.

The cannula didn’t work out 3 times so I was taken without. My partner couldn’t come as he needed to be home with the boys so everything now I was alone doing.

We got there and I was taken to the assessment room. I had been in this room before having an early scan with Elva when I was having pain and convinced I was miscarrying. This wasn’t great for me understandably I felt upset and just tired of everything.

They needed the room before the doctor could come. She was busy delivering live babies which is always hard to know when in the past year I’d failed twice to take a baby home.

They decided in mean time to pop a cannula in, start fluids, check my cervix and give me some rest. Around 1 am the doctor came to scan me. As I was at the most 3-4 weeks I didn’t expect they’d see anything at all anyway so wasn’t too concerned when they said they saw nothing and I’d need another scan in the morning. They told me not to eat anything or drink.

I didn’t understand why and asked but the nurse didn’t know. I was then told it was only from 6am so they would bring me tea and toast now.

Off to bed I went in my own room but I was woken very often in the night to have my vitals taken and blood was taken 3 times since I arrived. They told me my hemoglobin levels were falling so were concerned and needed to get me scanned.

8am I was scanned and the doctor this time said I can see blood and we think you’re having an ectopic this explained the nil by mouth instruction. They told me I’d need surgery but it wasn’t till the anaesthetist came that I understood it was a general I would need. My first one.

By 9am I was sat in the surgery waiting area ready to be first one in. I was crying a lot at this point. I’d just woke up to be informed I needed surgery my baby wasn’t in the right place and it wasn’t even 12 months since Elva. At this point the compassion was lacking. I was alone in tears and i was given tissues and my curtain closed.

I eventually went  into surgery and don’t even remember falling asleep. I woke around 11 am to pain in my side, a throat drier than the desert and weird BP type bands on my legs. I was drifting still not wanting to wake but knew I had to so I could  leave recovery. They were talking saying it was my left tube and my BP was fine to be taken back to the ward.

When I got back I just wanted to sleep I barely remember arriving back as just drifted. They checked my blood pressure and suddenly oxygen was turned on and was a few people in the room saying my BP was low and why was I brought back yet. They decided to check my wounds due to being on my side and found me to be bleeding from one of them I was able to turn over for them and they stopped that bleeding but my BP was going even lower still (around 84/49 at the highest).

The doctor came in and the decision to give me blood was made. I seem to remember all of this but considering this was 11 in the morning and I didn’t sit up till 2ish I can’t have remembered a lot. I was given 2 units of blood and 1 of fluids. My BP finally came up and my hemoglobin levels which had been 75 (should be 125) where now on the up.

Around 1.30pm my partner came and I still was drifting he look petrified but couldn’t stay long. After he left my Bp shot up to 100 and I was told I was so much better and didn’t need checking every 15 minutes and could go to hourly.

That day I drifted in and out of sleepiness. Around 5ish I was allowed to get up to loo and eat. The food was gross  due to fact my throat was so dry but I had a sandwich my partner bought and that was tons nicer.

Tuesday I saw the doctor  he came and told me that my belly had filled with blood (hence the bloat) and my left tube had completely ruptured ( explains sunday night). They removed the tube and blood. My womb and right tube look healthy no issues and I should be able to conceive again just needed time to heal.

That day I met 4 people who said wow you look so much better than you did what an improvement. I met more than 4 that said this about 10 maybe but these 4 were unique because I have no recollection at all of ever seeing them before. So yes I must have passed out at some point.. repeatedly.

I am now home with 4 wounds from keyhole surgery. I was extremely sore and bruised. Movement is hard as is bending so simple tasks like nipping for a pee or getting dressed are very tiring but napping isn’t easy with 2 noisy boys.

Sleeping is hard as I can only lie on my back and 1 side and even moving from one to another is painful. I’m on iron tablets and need  blood checks in a week to check I don’t need further help.

Emotionally I feel ok. I’m sad we tried for a while  to end like this. I’m sad Elva isn’t here then we wouldn’t be trying. I’m sad nothing feels like it goes right for me. I’m grieving but more for former not a baby. I never saw the pregnancy test and as soon as we found out we knew something must be up. I felt like I shouldn’t bother having more kids but since I’ve gotten more positive.

I can still function normally my chances are pretty much the same in terms of fertility and because we were improving our health chances are that is what helped me conceive and once I’m more healed in another couple weeks we can get back to losing more  weight and hopefully it won’t take as long.

It’s changed me more and I’m even more grateful for what I have. I’m trying to concentrate on that to stop me sinking. I wanted another girl so much but now the desire isn’t as strong and I just want  to give my family happy news instead of sad all the time.

Next month whatever was taken from me tissue  wise will be taken with other pregnancy losses to the local crematorium and spread in the garden there. Won’t be long and Little Pea (2011) Elva and our new angel Rainbow Dot will all meet in the wind and play.

Why I called these blog post indignity. Well in the time I was there I had 2 vaginal scans, 1 speculum, had a sanitary pad checked about 3 times, went into surgery practically naked and at some point someone had put the pad on me! I had to answer if I had passed wind and pooped and have my fat belly poked and prodded a few more times.

When I had Elva I was had to be checked for dilation and birth alone is undignified. I’ve never had a smear but through miscarriages and fertility tests I’ve had countless speculums. Being a mother comes with indignity no two ways about it. Worse part for me was the first time a man had to check me. I didn’t protest as I knew it was my own insecurities but it’s hard to understand that a man can accept the grossness of childbirth and loss so easily.

That’s my story of loss number 3. I hope to never add to this blog about more loss every again. I hope to add happy news and make Elva a big sister on earth as well as heaven but for now I got pregnant which many don’t and I have great kids, a great partner and caring hospital staff who I trust with my life and that of potential future children.

As for the alone part I had Dolly with me. My memory doll of Elva. It brought back the happier memories of spending my time with her and for me that helped me a lot as I felt so close to her.



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