It is coming up to Elva’s First birthday and on that day it will be exactly 3 weeks since I had surgery for my ectopic rupture.

Today is the day last year when my baby was still alive. This was her last full day and around this time I was worrying and crying over her. It was also the first and only time I saw her kick on the outside of my belly almost like a good bye thump.

Recovering from my ectopic is nothing like I thought. You hear of ectopics you hear of some not having surgery and you hear of some losing a tube but you never really hear anyone talking about the surgery and recovery.

The hospital advise 1-2 weeks and you’ll be good to go.

The first 10 days I struggled to move. It hurt it was an effort and it tired me out. Blood tests 2 weeks post op showed my blood levels were not rising I was still low on iron but not low enough to need another transfusion but enough to leave me knackered and napping for 3 hours in the day plus a good 12 at night.

At this point I’m still on iron despite only being advised to take for 2 weeks, I’m on antibiotics for an infection in 2 of my wounds. My lowest scar twinges a lot as does my belly button one. I am so bloated I’m actually bigger than I was a year ago post birth at 27 weeks! I’m told this goes and is water plus to do with my infection. I’m hoping this is true as feels the last 2 months of weight loss was pointless right now.

I’m having the usual symptoms of iron intake I won’t go into details but I’m sure many can guess. The antibiotics are impossible to space out around meals and it’s resulting in my not taking enough a day, it’s way more confusing than I feel it needs to be.

I went out for the first time 2 weeks post op and nearly collapsed with exhaustion. I sweated profusely the entire time it was just awful. The next day was much better and I’m finally feel up to getting out a bit more.

Then there’s the emotional side. I don’t feel I’m grieving a lost baby. I am however grieving the fact we tried for a baby and this happens, I’m grieving for the fact if Elva was here I wouldn’t even be desiring a baby ( a part of me still doesn’t it’s hard to explain).

I’m grieving the fact I never in a million years expected to have 2 losses in a row. I thought enough time had passed, I thought my bad luck was sure to be on an extended holiday where babies are concerned.

Then there’s the support……. or lack of. Everyone forgot me. They forgot I’m going through hell, they forgot the times they complained I wasn’t there and now are doing same despite the fact when I wasn’t there I was going through a hell 3 times worse. Friends that helped me through Elva’s loss are mysteriously quiet and the friends that came more forward after Elva are the ones showing their true kindness and love that I never saw before.

It’s lonely. Family don’t care and friends just don’t want to. I have very few who understand and give a toss.

I have Elva’s birthday things ready and I’m trying to remain positive enjoy autumn and look forwards to things with my boys. For the most part I manage but on rare occasions I break and I only do it alone as I can’t put more sadness into the family unit.

Loss is a lonely lonely road especially when everyone else is happy.



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