What they don’t tell you

It’s been 2 years in March since I got a positive pregnancy test with Elva.

Although I had 7 months of pregnancy and albeit scary it was happy we we’re having a baby and our first girl!! In reality from the moment we found out I’ve been waiting for a baby.  That’s 18 months so date I’ve been hoping for a baby. A warm wiggly noisy baby in my arms to stay.

We’ve ttc for 11 months now with one loss in that time and no success. As I watch countless others succeeding I never do. But no-one thinks of that. They see the time you tried and they reason it will happen but aww poor you you lost your baby. I lost a lot and I’ve been waiting a long time. My body and heart never gave up that a baby was coming home yet one never does and there’s no anticipation there will be one soon but my heart keeps waiting and waiting and it’s tiring.

When you hear of others getting pregnant often your first feelings are of yourself. This may seem selfish but it’s not. Hearing of pregnancy is traumatic after baby loss. You run through your own story how tragically it ended and how pregnancy no longer holds happy memories or thoughts for you. How pregnancy is no longer what it was. You think of your own journey and how hurtful it has been and all of a sudden you’re meant to be overjoyed for someone else!

It doesn’t work that way it can’t work that way! You don’t just switch it on and off. It doesn’t mean you don’t want that person to have it and it doesn’t mean you’re not happy for them but you can’t be expected to act how you would have before your loss.

You are still grieving the loss of your child, the loss of a baby, the loss of hopes dreams and a future. That doesn’t stop the moment someone else is happy.

Then there’s the reaction of the pregnant mother. This is a narrow view as I don’t know every angel mum intimately and even if they felt bad they would likely not say it that openly but to me I have found pregnant angel mums seem to forget how it feels. They easily move onto this new life and the happiness it brings because they need that they want that. I’m not suggesting they move on and forget their grief, I’m not saying they are happy all  the time I’m sure most the time they fear and hate being pregnant.

However many people have called me negative. Just be patient there’s no reason it won’t happen! When you get pregnant you will feel stupid for saying/feeling this. When I found out I was expecting my second someone actually asked me if i felt stupid for saying it would never happen?!! My response was no because at the time I truly believed that and it didn’t exactly happen overnight! Now 11 month on, 3 weeks post surgery I think some are starting to realise that I may be negative but I have problems with getting pregnant and I’m not making it up.

You then experience the guilt of feeling this way of thinking of yourself of not being able to do pregnancy and baby talk. I constantly felt guilty I’d go through the motions feeling more and more upset because it was expected of me. I’ve often thought IF I was to ever have another live baby what I would do . Would I tell the world, would I keep it secret. I don’t know. I don’t want to hurt others but equally I know how it feels to find out months later or even after birth that they were pregnant. One person even lied and said they’d just started TTC but she was about 5 months pregnant at the time. My point being it’s hard to know what to do when you’re the one with the happy news too.

After a while and bumps appear you start to think there’s a baby in there and to me now that’s kinda freaky. It never was before but now I can’t help thinking about it, how easily it can stop and go wrong, how scared I am to face that myself one day how much more scared I am that I’ll never get the chance.

Babyloss doesn’t just come with a loss. Babyloss comes with infertility for many. They either had infertility before hand and their angel baby was their miracle. Or the birth of their angel caused problems or brought existing problems to light making future hope difficult or impossible. There’s so many depths to pregnancy loss never explored or rarely talked about. Of course its awful, of course it needs strong awareness and of course it needs to stop. But there are other avenues.

Premature babies that die aren’t often part of celebrations about premature babies because they didn’t survive. Mums who don’t or can’t have rainbows are seen as being negative. As they are the minority they are expected to put up with the majority. Mums who claim to not need a rainbow to see the light again are branded negative like they are disbelieved.

One thing that becomes clear after a while that even in the baby loss world there’s separations and it’s lonely. You first join the world of loss with the rest of the world on the outside carrying on not getting it. Then you become part of the TTCer’s or the ones who don’t. Even then you either become a failed TTCer or successful or you are part of the don’t want to and the can’ts. Even then you have more categories. The one’s who can handle the wait the ones who can’t, the ones who get medical help the ones who don’t. As a mother with children, multiple losses, secondary infertility and struggling to cope or accept a lot of that it’s hard to find someone who gets it. Saying that it’s always good to have someone who deals with it better around as they can help gee you up and keep you going. (Natalie ❤ )

Think outside the box.

tracy

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