Babyloss month: WEEK 5

After the busy week of seeing you, sorting your funeral and just plain surviving the following week was quiet and hard.  We could no longer see you anymore all we have is a slightly muddy patch with flowers and fairy offerings in the hope you are settled and happy where you are now.

We will only have one family photo and if we have more children we will never have a full picture but until that day we have one slightly mad photo but it’s ours.

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We had a holiday booked that we couldn’t cancel. I didn’t want to go. You’d only been gone 2 weeks and I had to now pack and sort a journey to Wales on the train.That was hard the whole journey I cried I broke down and we argued. Why couldn’t I just be normal for the kids, keep it to myself and not make a show of myself in public.

The Journey home was easier and the time away was hard but needed. It was good to get away from judging prying eyes. It was good to not have someone look at me and know what had happened but equally it was hard to look like I’d just had a baby but have no evidence of that and have people not understand why I looked so sad and unhappy. Im sure many thought I hated my life and I was severely depressed. At the moment I did but I had a good reason.

All we had when we came home was a busy grassy spot with no grave stone on. Nothing to say you exist even if it’s not at home with us.

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That all changed in December for christmas you got your identification we wanted. You got first christmas decorations and you even got a stocking.For me it needed to be as normal as possible I needed you to exist in every way I could.

Your ‘bed’ is now grassy covered with lush autumn leaves and your presents.

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   Leif’s room was finally put back to normal like you were never meant to be here. It’s a slow adjustment still but it gets easier and I’m glad I didn’t hang on to your things being in view. We had to create a new space and reality with collecting things for you. This christmas is looking brighter I dread it less but don’t enjoy it more. We’ve got through the first year we did it and survived but I still don’t feel like I’m living.

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tracy

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