Where do I start. I know many of my posts may seem self centred or samey but this is my blog and my dairy and it’s hard to remember what has been said before.
I wanted to talk about the guilt that only angel mums with kids know. Not just the guilt of grieving but the guilt of moving forward and wanting new things.
You have the guilt of losing your child.
The guilt you caused it somehow and the guilt you’ve caused pain for others through the loss.
You have the guilt of grieving for the child when so many are telling you what you have left, at least this and that.
You have the guilt of wanting another guilt, The sorrow that the new child won’t ease the pain as they will be new and not like one you had before.
You have the guilt of that new child not becoming a reality once again you can only dream and hope. You have a new sorrow a new grief and a new guilt.
Guilt that it’s not happening and must be your fault, the guilt that you’re upset it’s not happening when you have kids already and others aren’t so lucky. The guilt that your children are wondering why mummy can’t keep babies alive in her tummy anymore. The guilt that they will grow up with fear about having a family.
The guilt of not having the ability to just keep going with a smile on your face. The guilt you don’t have the ability to just forget about a future with more babies.
You have the sorrow of nature deciding who your last live baby was, the reality you didn;’t expect and didn’t prepare for thinking you’d at least have one more go. The guilt you didn’t enjoy it more at the time because if you have know it was your last chance you wouldn’t have worried so much you wouldn’t have cried so much you would have just enjoy the sleep deprivation and constant scent of a newborn mummy.
But you didn’t you weren’t to know and now it’s too late. Time is passing you back at a scary speed and it only adds to your pain. This past year has felt like a lifetime. I even question was I ever pregnant did I ever feel happy and ok with life. Of course I was and did and until something happens within me I fear i’ll always feel a little lost and sad.
Stop comparing yourself to others who have it better because for every few people with seemingly amazing luck 1 more has it worse and probably thinks you’re lucky.