Now I know

I knew people had ‘gone off’ me. At the time I thought it was because of death sometimes you just don’t know what to say, sometimes you just don’t want to deal with selfishly and it hurt. Sometimes I thought maybe it’s because they know I can be negative and thought I would be more so now. I actually feel I’m a less negative person since Elva.

But now I know it’s because stillbirth makes people sad and they want to avoid anything to do with it. Awareness is great but it’s not for me. I find your situation depressing. You bring it up all the time and it’s uncomfortable. I’m reminded by it every time I see you so I need to be away from you.

This are specific things said to me but they are things suggested to me and said in a less direct manner.

Unfortunately death happens to everyone. At some point in your life you will die. You may be young you may be old. You may die of a horrible illness, accident or be taken peacefully but I can guarantee you will die. It stands to reason if we all die and we don’t know when babies die too they are alive from day 1 and therefore have the capacity to die at any moment.

Yes it’s sad but it’s also life why do you think avoiding a baby death makes things better? Because someone else will in your life someone you can’t avoid. Even if you’ve not been touched by stillbirth you will at some point in your life. Either your child will have a loss or their friend. Your neighbours son or the shop owner will and you will be told. It will be someone you know, someone you saw you may have even seen the bump, seen the scan, felt the baby move or heard the baby’s heartbeat.

Avoiding it doesn’t make it any less real.

Why raise awareness? Honestly some days I don’t know. People don’t want to know it scares them, saddens them and they avoid it.

It is important however. When I was pregnant with Elva I googled stillbirth symptoms and factors. I scared myself shut the laptop off and blocked any loss story out. I avoided any posts about it and carried on. Elva died and was stillborn. So where did avoidance get me? No where.

Education doesn’t always save a life but it helps!!! It took her death for a midwife to finally tell me in a way I understood what lack of movement is. If I had known this I would have got checked the day before.

After Elva I found out the bleeding I was having could be a symptom especially if no cause was found. I was told if I had gone to hospital I would have been scanned. I wasn’t to know I got checked but was never sent to hospital and although I nearly rang I decided to trust my midwife. It wasn’t her fault but I wish I’d listened to my instinct.

I know now that a heartbeat doesn’t mean baby is ok it means baby is alive and there’s a chance. Once they stop moving it’s too late.

Just being aware stillbirth is a possibility and having paranoia over it and getting checked could save your baby.

Research! I know it’s said not to google but from google I found out that what they were trying to tell me was lies so we set about looking into it. If you’ve read my story you will know we got the information too late but I was right and google helped me prove what I was told by a consultant was wrong!!

If I had access to my notes during my pregnancy I would have been able to compare notes and measurements and got her help sooner so it’s not always what a woman can do for herself sometimes she’s limited to what others will give her but it’s still good to be aware.

up to 75% of stillbirths could be avoided from better scans and infection screening. This is out of a woman power… but we all have instinct and for me that is yet to be wrong. I’m told to ignore it and not be paranoid I will never listen to that again. If you feel unwell or you just have a feeling then nag nag nag till YOU and you alone are satisfied even if you’re told to stop (which they can’t do) don’t listen to them until you are happy things are ok because you are the only one who knows how you feel and no scan or blood test or doctor can tell you how you are feeling.

So now I know why people I have known for years disappeared. Now I know why awareness is so hard and doesn’t really work. No one wants to know babies die first hand because like stillbirth is so contagious…….

Oh and whilst you’re imagining how sad it is and how glad you are to avoid that sadness try spare a thought for the families who this is a reality for. It’s a hard life to continue without your child

tracy

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