I thought it would get better

But it doesn’t.

We’ve ‘successfully’ passed the first year. Her due date, first Halloween, first Christmas her first birthday. The problem with having a preemie stillborn who wasn’t due till this year is we should have only just been celebrating her first Halloween, first Christmas even maybe her first birthday before or just after or same time. Instead she had her first Halloween and Christmas last year. She’s already 1 and we already survived a Christmas without her.

Everything is her second now and I can’t help wonder how she’d have been taking it in. I regret not setting up a fake Christmas that night she came but thinks to at a time like that really .

So no the anniversaries don’t get easier the second year because for us and other preemies mums this should have been the first. It should have been so many things. Yet its none of those it’s a new thing instead.

7 weeks ago I lost my rainbow to an ectopic I can’t help thinking how lovely it would have been for that pregnancy to succeed Elva is a big sister now but not how we wanted and Leif is a big brother with no smaller siblings to prove it.

My heart is broken it doesn’t continue to break anymore but it can never be repaired only patched up. There’s no medical help, no plaster no medicine. Like the scars on my belly that Leif tells me means I’m not better yet there’s a scar on my heart that can never heal.

I have a csection scar from him but none from Jem my first and only carefree pregnancy with no problems. No scars needed. I carry the evidence daily that I’ve struggled and not had it easy but yet no one can see them…



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