Facing Grief

You get used to hearing grief never goes away, it never gets better only easier to live with.

You will never get over it but you can heal enough to live your life.

You will smile and laugh and even feel happy again but not the same as before it’s not as easy.

Well in part it is true but there is a stage of facing your grief it no longer being so raw. There’s a time you will feel you aren’t grieving as such but you are suffering.

So how do you know if you’re at this stage if grief is always here to stay.

When you stop expecting a baby to come home. You face the fact you’re baby died and your immediate future doesn’t include that. Elva was born 10 weeks early and for at least 3 months I still felt I could bring a baby home. For about 5-6 month I felt I could fix this and she would magically appear.

Accepting your baby’s death. This is hard and perplexing. How on earth can I ever accept my baby died. To accept it is to say I agree with it! No it’s not. You never have to agree it was a good thing, you never have to accept it anything other than a devastating unfair event but you can accept it happened because it did. By accepting it happened regardless of your feelings surround the why’s you are able to move on from the overwhelming need to scream why constantly. Accepting is saying my baby died I accept that even though I don’t like it and this is my new norm.

Another area of accepting is thinking of the future. You have 4 possibles: you have children but your angel baby was the last one, you have children already and have more after your loss , you have no children and no more after your loss or you have no children and go on to have more after your loss. Either way there is acceptance to be done. You have to accept you will have no more children despite wanting to and that the last chance you had died, maybe you even have to face you will never be a mother how you most desire to be. You alternatively have to accept if you do go on to have more children they won’t be your angel this is a hidden acceptance something rarely talked about.

When I think of Elva and my overwhelming desire to have another baby a part of me feels so sad because I know no matter how many children I have they will never be Elva and some days it takes my breath away.

Early on I struggled with sleeping all night and lying on my stomach and took me about 6 months to face that. Once I was no longer sad a baby wasn’t waking me I slept better and enjoyed a good nights sleep. Once I was able to lie on my stomach without huge waves of sadness I could get comfy of a night. It’s amazing how good sleep habits helps.

By dealing with your grief you can be happier. You can smile thinking of your baby instead of blocking it out because it hurts so much. It’s not some magical cure but it helps to face it in some ways. Makes small things easier, life bearable and you to function more than you don’t.



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