All I want for Christmas is you

As we countdown to Christmas things are happy it’s a stark contrast to last year. Last year I fought every step I didn’t want the ┬átree up, turn that Santa film off, no I don’t want to dance to Christmas songs.

Her first Christmas was hard. A Christmas I thought we might have her or I might stay pregnant it was fun guessing how close to Christmas Day she would arrive. Instead we went on Christmas Eve to see her newly laid gravestone. Very different to how we imagined.

This year is easier, happier more exciting. Things are healing and the excitement is returning but in the background is that missing link. Our little elf (Elva means elf) isn’t here she won’t be turning one or potentially seeing Santa for the first time because she’s not here and her firsts have been and gone.

She gets decorations, first Christmas ones and a stocking with presents. Her stocking is vastly empty mostly filled with gifts I bought and labelled love from Elva.

The songs are the worst. So much meaning so many lost loves so many tears.

All I want for Christmas gets me every time because I don’t care about any of it all I want is you . I still hope and pray somehow you will reappear I’ve not given up waiting for you