It’s been a while

I haven’t posted in so long mainly due to life moving forward. Mainly I felt I was repeating myself more and more and that’s not helpful to anyone.

I always planned t slow down my posts and I’ve had new chapters open in my life that I felt I couldn’t dedicate time to Elva’s blog.

Firstly I started a college course. My anxiety and lack of knowledge about courses stopped me before but this year I took the plunge deciding to focus on something else other than rainbow babies and grief.

Of course grief never leaves but focusing elsewhere makes it easier to think if happier times and gives you a confidence to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

The other chapter in our lives is in a strange way adding to my grief once more, it’s certainly adding to my anxiety and it’s a strange time to go through. I felt unable to write about it until now.

Why now? Well where I’m and where I was are connected. I am currently 26 weeks pregnant with Elva’s baby brother. As regular readers will know I lost her at 27 weeks and 3 days of pregnancy! That is a mere 10 days away!

I flit between trusting my intuition everything will be so much different this time to what if…

Do I feel scared now before that time do I feel scared at 27+3 or do I worry at 28-29 weeks because we don’t really know exactly what gestation Elva was due to her always being behind. Not even knowing when to worry means I don’t know when I can hopefully relax!

I’ve also never been pregnant over Christmas I was meant to be with Elva so that is a trigger in itself.

Those still waiting for their rainbow or even those who fear that will never come I want to tell you it’s not easy. I’ve had people fall out with me as they feel I no longer understand the grief of no rainbow baby. I’m not there yet what if I have to bury another child? What if I have to pack everything away once more except this time I wouldn’t anticipate using it again.

The early days are so full of happiness, anxiety, fear and I wasn’t prepared for the overwhelming grief being pregnant would bring. Many times I regretted wanting this I questionned if I had ever really wanted this.

When we found out we were having a boy a whole new grief came my only daughter was still gone, still lost and her little brother is the spit of her in so many ways I almost fear meeting him.

I hate she’s not here I find it weird he will be here only because she isn’t. This life we will love and meet. This life we will hopefully grow with was never meant to exist whilst she did.

It partly brings up the question of would you rather she be here than him? Sometimes I’ve felt yes I would but I know although I cherish what I have I still wish all my losses had survive despite 2 of my children being unable to exist if my losses had. It’s a strange twisty world when you delve too deep into feelings and what ifs.

I don’t want to start talking about rainbows this is a loss blog and shall stay that way. Rainbows follow loss but are not loss yet they contain grief of a loss just as strongly as when the loss occurred.

Rainbows are hope, love, light, happiness but they are also fear, loss, grief, anxiety.

tracy