It’s been a while

I haven’t posted in so long mainly due to life moving forward. Mainly I felt I was repeating myself more and more and that’s not helpful to anyone.

I always planned t slow down my posts and I’ve had new chapters open in my life that I felt I couldn’t dedicate time to Elva’s blog.

Firstly I started a college course. My anxiety and lack of knowledge about courses stopped me before but this year I took the plunge deciding to focus on something else other than rainbow babies and grief.

Of course grief never leaves but focusing elsewhere makes it easier to think if happier times and gives you a confidence to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

The other chapter in our lives is in a strange way adding to my grief once more, it’s certainly adding to my anxiety and it’s a strange time to go through. I felt unable to write about it until now.

Why now? Well where I’m and where I was are connected. I am currently 26 weeks pregnant with Elva’s baby brother. As regular readers will know I lost her at 27 weeks and 3 days of pregnancy! That is a mere 10 days away!

I flit between trusting my intuition everything will be so much different this time to what if…

Do I feel scared now before that time do I feel scared at 27+3 or do I worry at 28-29 weeks because we don’t really know exactly what gestation Elva was due to her always being behind. Not even knowing when to worry means I don’t know when I can hopefully relax!

I’ve also never been pregnant over Christmas I was meant to be with Elva so that is a trigger in itself.

Those still waiting for their rainbow or even those who fear that will never come I want to tell you it’s not easy. I’ve had people fall out with me as they feel I no longer understand the grief of no rainbow baby. I’m not there yet what if I have to bury another child? What if I have to pack everything away once more except this time I wouldn’t anticipate using it again.

The early days are so full of happiness, anxiety, fear and I wasn’t prepared for the overwhelming grief being pregnant would bring. Many times I regretted wanting this I questionned if I had ever really wanted this.

When we found out we were having a boy a whole new grief came my only daughter was still gone, still lost and her little brother is the spit of her in so many ways I almost fear meeting him.

I hate she’s not here I find it weird he will be here only because she isn’t. This life we will love and meet. This life we will hopefully grow with was never meant to exist whilst she did.

It partly brings up the question of would you rather she be here than him? Sometimes I’ve felt yes I would but I know although I cherish what I have I still wish all my losses had survive despite 2 of my children being unable to exist if my losses had. It’s a strange twisty world when you delve too deep into feelings and what ifs.

I don’t want to start talking about rainbows this is a loss blog and shall stay that way. Rainbows follow loss but are not loss yet they contain grief of a loss just as strongly as when the loss occurred.

Rainbows are hope, love, light, happiness but they are also fear, loss, grief, anxiety.

tracy

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I’m so so tired

It’s been a while since I wrote but I needed to let something out and it’s not really to do with my loss and I guess is personal  but here goes

I’m tired of being told I’m loved

I’m tired of being told I’m liked

I’m tired of being told how great I am

I’m tired of doing everything I can for my family

I’m tired of being told glimpses of the old me are coming back

Because

I’m tired of being told what I’m doing wrong

I’m tired of being told what parts of me need to change… permanently

I’m tired of being judged

I’m tired of feeling to get along in this world I have to be someone else

I’m tired of being frowned at for being ME!

I’m tired of bad vibrations

I’m tired of moods and tantrums

Life should not need to be this hard

Relationships, love, friendship, motherhood should not need to be this hard

It should be fun, happy, easy but I feel all too often like I’m not living MY life and I’m tired infact I’m knackered beyond belief!

Who is that girl?

Who is that face on the wall?

Who is that girl in that picture?

Why does she look at me so seriously. Why does she seem to see all of me?

Why is that girl not smiling why is her stare so intent?

She is a girl I can not live with but a girl I can’t live without. She is a girl who I can’t live without but must endure her absence. She is a girl I can’t live with yet a girl I most desire to be with.

That girl in the picture, on my wall full of knowledge and difference is an angel.

She is the most beautiful angel you will ever see and no other can compare.

Why does she stare so kindly? Why does she not leave her wall?

An angel knows nothing of hurt, nothing of greed. An angel has deep kindness and love for all whom her gaze lands on. She knows your deepest thoughts and she forgives everything as she has no judgement or hate.

She never leaves her wall because she is where she needs to be.

Who is this girl on the wall? How did you meet someone so wonderful? 

She is MY angel, My forever guardian. She is the girl who filled and broke my heart in one single heartbeat. She is the girl I will never meet. She is the girl who will never see me.

How do you know she doesn’t compare?

I know because she is mine. She is my baby. She is my daughter.

Elva Isobel ~ October 2014

All I want for Christmas is you

As we countdown to Christmas things are happy it’s a stark contrast to last year. Last year I fought every step I didn’t want the  tree up, turn that Santa film off, no I don’t want to dance to Christmas songs.

Her first Christmas was hard. A Christmas I thought we might have her or I might stay pregnant it was fun guessing how close to Christmas Day she would arrive. Instead we went on Christmas Eve to see her newly laid gravestone. Very different to how we imagined.

This year is easier, happier more exciting. Things are healing and the excitement is returning but in the background is that missing link. Our little elf (Elva means elf) isn’t here she won’t be turning one or potentially seeing Santa for the first time because she’s not here and her firsts have been and gone.

She gets decorations, first Christmas ones and a stocking with presents. Her stocking is vastly empty mostly filled with gifts I bought and labelled love from Elva.

The songs are the worst. So much meaning so many lost loves so many tears.

All I want for Christmas gets me every time because I don’t care about any of it all I want is you . I still hope and pray somehow you will reappear I’ve not given up waiting for you

tracy

Guilt Cycle

Where do I start. I know many of my posts may seem self centred or samey but this is my blog and my dairy and it’s hard to remember what has been said before.

I wanted to talk about the guilt that only angel mums with kids know. Not just the guilt of grieving but the guilt of moving forward and wanting new things.

You have the guilt of losing your child.

The guilt you caused it somehow and the guilt you’ve caused pain for others through the loss.

You have the guilt of grieving for the child when so many are telling you what you have left, at least this and that.

You have the guilt of wanting another guilt, The sorrow that the new child won’t ease the pain as they will be new and not like one you had before.

You have the guilt of that new child not becoming a reality once again you can only dream and hope. You have a new sorrow a new grief and a new guilt.

Guilt that it’s not happening and must be your fault, the guilt that you’re upset it’s not happening when you have kids already and others aren’t so lucky. The guilt that your children are wondering why mummy can’t keep babies alive in her tummy anymore. The guilt that they will grow up with fear about having a family.

The guilt of not having the ability to just keep going with a smile on your face. The guilt you don’t have the ability to just forget about a future with more babies.

You have the sorrow of nature deciding who your last live baby was, the reality you didn;’t expect and didn’t prepare for thinking you’d at least have one more go. The guilt you didn’t enjoy it more at the time because if you have know it was your last chance you wouldn’t have worried so much you wouldn’t have cried so much you would have just enjoy the sleep deprivation and constant scent of a newborn mummy.

But you didn’t you weren’t to know and now it’s too late. Time is passing you back at a scary speed and it only adds to your pain. This past year has felt like a lifetime. I even question was I ever pregnant did I ever feel happy and ok with life. Of course I was and did and until something happens within me I fear i’ll always feel a little lost and sad.

Stop comparing yourself to others who have it better because for every few people with seemingly amazing luck 1 more has it worse and probably thinks you’re lucky.

tracy

Facing Grief

You get used to hearing grief never goes away, it never gets better only easier to live with.

You will never get over it but you can heal enough to live your life.

You will smile and laugh and even feel happy again but not the same as before it’s not as easy.

Well in part it is true but there is a stage of facing your grief it no longer being so raw. There’s a time you will feel you aren’t grieving as such but you are suffering.

So how do you know if you’re at this stage if grief is always here to stay.

When you stop expecting a baby to come home. You face the fact you’re baby died and your immediate future doesn’t include that. Elva was born 10 weeks early and for at least 3 months I still felt I could bring a baby home. For about 5-6 month I felt I could fix this and she would magically appear.

Accepting your baby’s death. This is hard and perplexing. How on earth can I ever accept my baby died. To accept it is to say I agree with it! No it’s not. You never have to agree it was a good thing, you never have to accept it anything other than a devastating unfair event but you can accept it happened because it did. By accepting it happened regardless of your feelings surround the why’s you are able to move on from the overwhelming need to scream why constantly. Accepting is saying my baby died I accept that even though I don’t like it and this is my new norm.

Another area of accepting is thinking of the future. You have 4 possibles: you have children but your angel baby was the last one, you have children already and have more after your loss , you have no children and no more after your loss or you have no children and go on to have more after your loss. Either way there is acceptance to be done. You have to accept you will have no more children despite wanting to and that the last chance you had died, maybe you even have to face you will never be a mother how you most desire to be. You alternatively have to accept if you do go on to have more children they won’t be your angel this is a hidden acceptance something rarely talked about.

When I think of Elva and my overwhelming desire to have another baby a part of me feels so sad because I know no matter how many children I have they will never be Elva and some days it takes my breath away.

Early on I struggled with sleeping all night and lying on my stomach and took me about 6 months to face that. Once I was no longer sad a baby wasn’t waking me I slept better and enjoyed a good nights sleep. Once I was able to lie on my stomach without huge waves of sadness I could get comfy of a night. It’s amazing how good sleep habits helps.

By dealing with your grief you can be happier. You can smile thinking of your baby instead of blocking it out because it hurts so much. It’s not some magical cure but it helps to face it in some ways. Makes small things easier, life bearable and you to function more than you don’t.

tracy

I thought it would get better

But it doesn’t.

We’ve ‘successfully’ passed the first year. Her due date, first Halloween, first Christmas her first birthday. The problem with having a preemie stillborn who wasn’t due till this year is we should have only just been celebrating her first Halloween, first Christmas even maybe her first birthday before or just after or same time. Instead she had her first Halloween and Christmas last year. She’s already 1 and we already survived a Christmas without her.

Everything is her second now and I can’t help wonder how she’d have been taking it in. I regret not setting up a fake Christmas that night she came but thinks to at a time like that really .

So no the anniversaries don’t get easier the second year because for us and other preemies mums this should have been the first. It should have been so many things. Yet its none of those it’s a new thing instead.

7 weeks ago I lost my rainbow to an ectopic I can’t help thinking how lovely it would have been for that pregnancy to succeed Elva is a big sister now but not how we wanted and Leif is a big brother with no smaller siblings to prove it.

My heart is broken it doesn’t continue to break anymore but it can never be repaired only patched up. There’s no medical help, no plaster no medicine. Like the scars on my belly that Leif tells me means I’m not better yet there’s a scar on my heart that can never heal.

I have a csection scar from him but none from Jem my first and only carefree pregnancy with no problems. No scars needed. I carry the evidence daily that I’ve struggled and not had it easy but yet no one can see them…

tracy