Being a mum before a loss

Many are under impression it is easier to be guided through a loss when you already have children. When you angel baby wasn’t your first.

You have a reason to live. A reason to get up daily. A reason to keep busy. If you never have more children you at least became a mum to a living child.  You are a mum in the ‘normal’ sense so many aren’t and never can be.

But what about the parts you don’t think about. The very very hard parts the parts where you consider just a moment you aren’t the lucky one here.

Have you ever had to tell your children something so devastating and watch their face crumble. Their whole world fall apart. Have you ever had to sit up all night in pain from a labour that doesn’t want to start, with your baby in your belly already an angel because your child is up all night howling in pain. Pain they don’t understand, pain they can’t explain and pain they can’t express. If you think yes trust me you haven’t not to this extent.

Have you ever done something and felt so so guilty about it? Yes if you’re a parent you probably have but I bet they forget about it quickly. I bet it didn’t really impact them as much as they’d have you believe and I bet it was for a good reason.

Now have you ever done something and felt guilty about it knowing you can’t make it better, knowing you can’t change it, knowing that you are the reason it happened and yet they don’t blame you. You don’t need forgiving and they don’t even consider it’s your fault. Have you ever had that guilt?

Have you ever felt so torn between 2 children you’re not sure what to do? Consider knowing to be with one child you can never be with the other and vice versa. Consider that you will never all be together because the day you leave the world to be with your angel you leave their siblings behind.

Have you ever packed away memories as your child watches. As your child asks why you’re doing that and what are you doing with it all.

Have you had your child ask you questions like: Does Elva eat? Does she grow? How big is Elva now? and have to answer in a way that reminds them she’s gone?

Think if the impact on their life. If I become pregnant in the future will they fear that baby will die too. Will they be scared but too worried to speak up for fear of upsetting us. Will they not worry and assume this baby will make it then something awful happen again. Think of their future knowing babies die in the womb. Worrying their children may pass in the womb. That neverending fear given to them at age 2 and 7. I can only hope they don’t forget but don’t let it affect them.

Don’t get me wrong there are good things about being a mum before a loss. You know you can have children. You know if you chose you have good chances of a successful pregnancy and birth. If you can’t you have had the joy of babies and children even if you weren’t ready to give that up yet at least it’s not something you missed out on. No story is easy in child loss this is just a part of mine.