This is the story of Cali Rebel LaFelle Baily, who became and angel on July 8,2013 at 21 weeks 1 day gestation.
I found out I was pregnant around march of 2013. We had been trying for a little over a year. You could imagine how excited we were when we found out we were having a baby. I’ve struggled with addiction my whole life and I was, still am, in a recovery program, I take methadone. I had just started the program after I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to do what was best for my baby and with the drugs I was using it was my only option. Coming off anything would have put her at risk and I would have lost her and that was the last thing I wanted. I went through every option because I wanted to get clean for my baby. With methadone it takes a while to get on a stable dose so you’re not going through withdraws and you’re not having cravings for drugs. It’s a blocker.
I went through mild withdraw twice while I was pregnant with her because I was trying to get stable. Well the third time I went through withdraw it was horrible and I believe with every fiber in me that that’s what killed my baby. The doctors say that that’s not what happened, that things like this happen all the time. I think her little heart couldn’t handle the withdraw. I was doing everything I was supposed to in order to keep from losing her except I didn’t listen to my body when I felt like I needed to go up on my meds. I was afraid if I went up that when she was born she would have real bad withdraw, which is not the case and I didn’t know that at the time. That’s a whole other discussion and I won’t get into all of those details.
Anyway, on July 8, 2013 at 3:40am I got extremely sick, I was puking and cold sweats, worse than ever. I knew what was going on but didn’t think anything of it because like I said it happened twice before. I went to the methadone clinic, took my meds and started to feel better. I noticed that she wasn’t moving but didn’t think much of it because some days she would move and some days she wouldn’t. I went to see my ob at 10am and he went to listen to her heart beat and the was nothing. He said that she may be hiding that sometimes they do that and it’s hard to find a heart beat. He brought in another doc to see if she could find it, nope.
I had my son with me and he figured out what was going on before I did. When he climbed up on that table with me and held my hand I knew then that she was gone, they did an ultrasound and still nothing. They sent me to the hospital and still nothing. I don’t know how I made it to my boyfriends work I was crying so much I couldn’t see. My doctor called me that night and asked me when I wanted to be induced and I said as soon as possible. I went to the hospital the next day to be induced.
They put that pessary in my cervix to make me dilate. Labor didn’t start until late that night. As soon as I felt a contraction I got an epidural. I didn’t want to feel a thing, I didn’t know how I was going to deliver a dead baby. I prayed and prayed for God to help me through this. He did. The next morning, July 10 2013 a nurse came in to check me, she said I had blood on my leg so she got a wet cloth to clean me and when she came back she said that Rebel had been born. I had my baby and didn’t even know it. I was relieved I didn’t have to push. She was so small she just came out on her own. Cali Rebel LaFelle Bailey 12oz 14 inch.
I held her for hours, my son got to meet her and hold her. My older daughter didn’t, she was out of town with her papa and nana. I didn’t want to let her go. She’s my beautiful angel. We had her cremated. I wanted to bring my baby home one way or another. Sometimes I take her little urn and put her little dress on it and swaddle it in her little blanket and hold her. I can still smell her on her clothes. I’m so afraid to lose her smell and I know one day that time will come. Her smell is the only physical connection I still have with her. I never thought I would suffer the loss of a child. I’ve not been the same since. I’m depressed all the time even though I have my beautiful, handsome rainbow son I want my daughter too. There’s one thing that helps me get through it all. I tell myself that God has to get his angels one way or another and he chose me to give him an angel. He chose my daughter to be by his side and he trusted me to give her to him and that makes me feel so much better. It may sound strange but that’s what helps me.
That’s my story. I just hope I did ok at telling it.
I’m not good at telling my story at all but I love to share because I know there are lots of women who are in the same shoes I was in and I want them to know that they have to listen to their body’s when it comes to recovery and methadone while pregnant and doctors will tell you different because they don’t want you blaming yourself but if they don’t listen to their body’s and go up on their dose there’s a very real chance they could lose their baby.
By Erica Williams